Tag: guilty about money

Even though I’ve looked at my beliefs and stories about money many times, and investigated like my life depended on it (I thought it did)….

….I learned something new after recently kicking off another 8 week teleclass on money AND the Year of Inquiry group underway happens to be on month five, which is MONEY month.

As the beautiful new teleclass group assembled on our conference call and introductions were made, I shared part of my money story.

I heard myself say “I never had to worry about money for most of my life….until that terrible time about ten years ago….”

Later I suddenly realized I still had an upset thought about me NOT having to ever worry about money prior to ten years ago.

Guilt.

My entire childhood, my teen years, my early twenties, my thirties…..I got to have adventures, classes, workshops, therapy, incredible experiences all over the world traveling to many many countries, private horse-back riding, piano and archery lessons, lived overseas several times, grew up in a 5000 square foot house.

I feel a little bad about even mentioning it.

It’s a SECRET.

The very exciting part of the tale of money for me, and my focus for the past few years (and whenever I tell my story) is the dramatic loss of all income, the plummeting savings to zero then below zero, the investments smashed to smithereens, the big house gone, that one Christmas holiday with an inability to buy gifts, the sleepless nights.

But the earlier money story?

People might get jealous. They might not take the hard times in the story so seriously.

They might say something like “waaaah” and pretend they’re playing a violin.

I really shouldn’t complain….I had it good for a really long, long time. I never had to work super hard. I hung out it luxurious places many times. I felt abundant. I was.

But I realized…my guilt was a sharp poking stressful story, like a sticky black inky blemish.

“I shouldn’t complain, most of my life I had it very easy with money”.

It reeks of disturbance, of judgment about having plenty.

Now don’t get me wrong.

That hard time was seriously WHACKO HARD.

And I pulled from it the most amazing sense of personal empowerment and freedom I would never, ever have found without going through it.

I have gratitude, with an almost gasp at the learning and expansion, from having gone through that hard, weird passage of time where money vanished out of my life.

It was incredible.

But before I get sidetracked into talking all about that bad, bad, rough time and everything I learned (see how that’s so sneaky and easy to do?)….

….How about that guilty thing I mentioned?

Having money is lucky, privileged, unusual. People shouldn’t brag about it. I should be grateful for that experience in the past. I shouldn’t complain.

Ever.

Do you ever tell yourself you shouldn’t complain?

Is it true?

Well….YEAH.

People will no longer relate to me, if they knew the whole story.

Is that absolutely true?

No.

How do I react when I remember that fun, easy, carefree life with lots of money in it?

The minute it comes to mind, I smack myself and think I should be more grateful, should have realized what I had, understood my privilege….and then I feel guilty.

Who would I be without the belief that all my early years were full of money and that means I shouldn’t complain or have worries, ever?

I would be deeply aware, more than ever, at how money is one big story, with many little chapters and plots.

For some it’s got big dramatic flare. It’s here, then gone, up then down. For others, its steady, doesn’t change much. For others, its a huge difficult struggle.

Without the thought….

….I would be right here, right now, in this present moment noticing how I feel about money, and how that changes depending every second on what I’m looking at and how I’m looking at it.

“What’s a human being to do? We’ve done the best that we can, and there’s shame and guilt…it’s hard. And out of that comes frustration and self-hatred, and we strike out….But when you work with the mind, the world changes. That’s how it is. Mind is the projector, and the world is the projected. Work with mind and the world follows. It’s so simple.” ~ Byron Katie