For quite a few years I’ve worked with people deep in the pain of struggling with binge-eating or over-exercising, flipping flopping between being a rigid bad-ass and eating with crazed abandon.
If you think this isn’t you….stay with me here. This flip-flop happens inside so many of us, even if you never over eat or under eat.
You perhaps experience a sense of structure, discipline, force and controlling yourself in some area you feel sure needs controlling….and then swing over into “I’m tired of this! I’ll do whatever the hell I want!”
What I’ve found is this duality comes out of a rule book called Thoughts of Should about how you should be, as opposed to how you actually are.
- I should be nicer, I should lighten up
- I should control my temper, my urges, my thoughts
- I should never be angry, terrified, nervous, whiny
- I should be more decisive, giving, direct
- I should be thinner, in better shape
- I should be richer, more accomplished
- I should be enlightened, gentle, free
If you believe any of your stream of Shoulds…..ugh.
It hurts.
What if someone close to you who knew you intimately well said the same thing?
Even in a nice voice?
That’d be a major bummer. You might want to get away from them.
You might want to eat, drink, watch movies, surf the internet, read, do anything to occupy your mind you forget about all your deficiency.
But is it actually true, without a doubt, that you should be other than you are?
Yes! I should have several million dollars in my bank account. I should be less sarcastic. I should be less critical. I should be more fun. I should keep the bathroom cleaner, and the yard.
You may feel absolutely certain that you should lose 20 pounds, or 5 pounds. You may feel it is true you should find a mate, own a house, advance in your career.
Notice how you react when that voice is yelling at you.
I feel crushed, like ducking under the table. I want to isolate, get away from other people in case they agree (I secretly thing they do).
I used to feel like eating “forbidden” food (hint: make all foods unforbidden and things will go better in that department…then you can simply choose).
You may feel like drinking, raging, cleaning, criticizing.
But what would it be like to live without these thoughts? Without thinking of them as true, in any way?
What if you just arrived from Planet Jupiter and they don’t try to be different there than they actually are?
Wait. Not try to change?
But. I’ll remain poor for the rest of my life. I won’t achieve it, if I don’t think I should be different. I’ll never be thin. I’ll lie down on the floor and let people walk right over me. I’ll be passive and mute and jello.
Nice try, drama queen mind.
Give yourself the chance to imagine, to FEEL what it would be like without that Should List.
Doesn’t it feel liberating? Don’t you want to bounce like Tigger? Laugh?
Feel the total fun of not thinking you should be different or improved from how you are?
Wow.
I walk down the street differently, I sit in my chair differently, I look in the mirror differently.
Turning the thoughts all around to the opposite….this is so much more true. This is reality. Not fantasy.
- I should be exactly as nice or as mean as I am, I should sink down (not lighten up), I should be right here
- I should not control my temper, my urges, my thoughts…I should get to know them, invite them in for tea, appreciate their presence
- I should be angry, terrified, nervous, whiny….I should be these without shame and allow them to live wildly and passionately through me
- I should be more uncertain, selfish, indirect…especially with all these Shoulds
- I should be exactly the weight and shape I am, no more or less
- I should be poorer and less accomplished…enjoy life without grabbing, notice how pure joy has nothing to do with money, or my happiness, ever
- I should not be enlightened, gentle, free if I’m believing these kinds of thoughts. When I stop believing them….BOOM. I am enlightened, gentle, free.
WoooHooo!
“Once you realize that the road is the goal, and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.” ~ Nisargadatta
Love, Grace