Running into someone who you used to know, who you used to have an entirely different relationship with, and now they’re right in front of you is sometimes……weird.
But let’s be honest.
It’s only weird if there’s unfinished, unresolved thoughts and feelings about this person.
It happened to me the other day.
On Facebook.
OK, OK, OK….I know that’s not actually running in to someone!
It can feel that way for a second, though.
And it results in the same response. Like….oh. Wow. There they are. One word or “like” or chat head away. Just a click of the button or the keyboard.
Except, suddenly you’re flooded with not having anything to say because there was SO MUCH to say before (that was never said) or there was an unresolved “sting” that hurt between you.
What I’ve found is…..if something like this pops in to my radar…..
…..time to go back in time and do, you guessed it, The Work!
So I went to a moment, a situation, with that person where I felt really surprised and criticized, and later, angry.
I could see it clearly.
(And a voice in my head also was chattering while seeing that situation from the past: “you’ve done The Work on this already, it won’t help, this is stupid, just forget about it, who cares, it’s just on facebook, etc.”)
Thanks for sharing, oh voice, and I think I’ll take a look.
“She criticized me.”
I can see her eyes, hear her voice. I almost can’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember she admitted at the time she was feeling critical of me.
I see a kitchen, and all the other people milling around, putting away food, or eating, or washing dishes, and talking and laughing.
And this stinging voice saying sort of fiercely, directly, without any humor whatsoever when I was lying down….”could you help clean up?”
I see another moment when she’s asking me if I can join the group a little more, I’ve been working on my computer too much. And another moment where she’s talking about other people we’re with and how annoyed she is with them and planning on asking them never to come back.
I remember the feelings, as these images zip through my mind.
Scared of her judgment. Scared of her sharp eye. Scared of the way she’s bossing people, or kicking people out, or even praising people for that matter. Evaluating everyone.
Help! Run away! That’s her, on facebook!!
So is it true, she criticized me….or criticized other people.
Both, she did both. She is a super critical person.
That’s the truth.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true she criticized YOU?
Can you absolutely know she criticized those other people and kicked them out?
In that situation…..the answer seems like “yes”. It feels true. It appears true.
I look up the word “critical” as I consider her words, her manner, the way she spoke of others. It says the word “critical” is defined as disapproving, fault-finding, judgmental, scathing, accusatory, negative.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Deep breath.
How do I react when I think this is true about her?
Both afraid, and also critical of her, for being critical. Oh Lordy.
I don’t want to see her, not even on facebook. I don’t want to connect, or talk with her. I avoid her. I think of her as mean, and dangerous, and unenlightened.
I feel like there’s someone out there who isn’t fun to be around, and this thing in the universe (this person) is a pocket of discomfort, bad news.
So who would I be without this belief that she criticized me or anyone else? Who would I be without the belief she’s dangerous, or a threat, or frightening for me?
At first, as I imagine being without the thought, I notice how skittish I am sometimes, with some people. It’s like, all they did was speak words, and I’m freaking out and yelling “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!”
There was no physical pain, there was no dramatic scene. There was no yelling, or loud noise.
Without my belief, I suddenly remember when I met her and how we talked for 4 hours straight into the night. And how much we have in common. Only days apart in age, and both the oldest of four, and both with fathers who died young.
Gosh.
I forgot about these things I love about her, until this experience of wondering who I’d be without the memory of her criticizing me,without the belief that she did.
Turning the thoughts around: she didn’t criticize me, I criticized her, I criticized myself.
I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, criticizing others. Right in the moment I believed, with so much fear, that she criticized me it was like a wall of fearful energy exploded between us and I never let myself get that close to her again.
Until now.
Remembering.
Opening up to how much I love her, and how much I love in general.
Could her communication to me be her best attempt to reach out for what she needed in that moment? To connect? To protect herself? To be heard? To make a situation she didn’t like, more favorable?
And maybe I’ve done the very same thing, every time I’ve been critical.
“Life itself is not a conclusion, and all mental conclusions are really there to be shattered, and this shattering of fixed views we call waking up, and it is a timeless process with no beginning and no end in sight. There are no ‘fixed’ waves in the vast, wild ocean of life. Let’s always keep the dialogue going, and never let it become a monologue. And then criticism will not be something we have to ‘deal with’ at all, but something we look forward to, something we embrace and cherish, since now we know it is only an invitation to deeply meet beyond stories, and surrender even more deeply to life and each other.” ~ Jeff Foster