My mom on my left, announcing to all of us in the row on the plane: Do you want to see where we are?
She’s excitedly waving her cell phone.
My sister on my right: I keep telling you to TURN ON your airplane mode! You should NOT be able to tell us where we are!!
My mom: I didn’t turn it on this time! But the GPS dot is still glowing!
My sister: That’s impossible!
My mom: No it isn’t! I swear!
My sister: OK. Fine. Show me where we are on the map.
My mom: No. I’m not going to show you now!
My sister: I didn’t want to see it anyway!
Hilarious!
Don’t you love how adults can snip at each other just like age 11?
Everyone was laughing a moment later.
But it’s sort of endearing to notice, these moments happen. Communication snafu, a little sting, an irritation, a flame.
They happen at such a quick speed, it’s practically hard to even catch. You might say something you regret, or feel all riled up on the inside full of tension.
Family is especially great for this practice. You know what I’m talking about.
The best way I find to work with a dynamic where someone really bugs you, even if you adore and love them, is to first, hold very very still on the moment you felt the slap, or irritation, the sting, the offense.
What are your thoughts about that moment?
What do you want, what do you fear, what do you need that you think is missing?
Now….see if there was another similar moment like it in the past, maybe even the distant past.
The Original Offense.
I like investigating my fears that show up as little irritations by noticing how far back they go. I see the story and where it was born, where it came alive, and where I’ve then seen proof for this belief I had appear, perhaps again and again.
A moment like this for me: I’m in the passenger seat. My husband is driving. He turns a different way than I normally go, headed to the same destination.
I feel a blast of annoyance. “Why are you going this way? It’s longer, and less pleasant!”
Why on earth would I care about which way we’re going, if I’m not even driving the car, and I trust we are indeed headed where we both desire to go?
What do I want? No surprises. To relax. What do I fear? The route will take up my attention. We’ll be lost. I can’t concentrate on our conversation, or enjoying the ride. What do I need that I think is missing? A recognized pattern. My usual way. Not having to re-direct.
Do I remember an earlier situation where taking an unexpected turn wasn’t such a great outcome? A time I got lost?
I sit a moment to see if a memory appears.
And then….one does appear.
(I told you it doesn’t take long, if you sit still with it a moment).
It’s my mom and dad, up front in the car, dad driving, mom navigating–and THEY are arguing, and I’m worried about their argument.
I just want my dad to go the normal way, so my mom doesn’t get upset. Going alternative ways is obviously worthy of upseted-ness. My proof is my mom’s response to him.
And now, I can question it all. My dad was lost, is it true? My mom was frightened, is it true? My mom shouldn’t have been angry, is it true? They should never bicker, is that true?
Who would I be now, without that story appearing before my eyes?
Laughing at the hilarity of it all. Noticing the similarity in the moment sitting between two wonderful people I adore (sister, mother) and having no issue with them being pissy with each other.
In fact, it’s rather entertaining.
Another case closed.
“Don’t try to change the dream, because trying to change it is just another movement in the dream. Look at the dream. Be aware of the dream. That awareness is It. Become more interested in the awareness of the dream than in the dream itself. What is that awareness? Who is that awareness? Don’t go spouting out an answer, just be the answer. Be It.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love,
Grace