Tag: eating disorders

This past weekend someone wrote to me asking what happened with food that made me go from anxiety-ridden anger around my relationship with eating….

….to enjoying it with the deepest gratitude, taking care of this body the best way I know, no fear, war over.

I woke up this morning thinking about that question. It was very, very quiet, no wind wildly blowing outside as it had been for nearly 24 hours. No wind chimes ringing.

Wild blowing and stormy rain pelting down, now turned to silence.

How would I sum up the Before and After, years of learning, contemplating, experimenting, failing, inquiring, and being in relationship with food?

I was working with a woman once who said that as soon as we started doing inquiry together, her binge-eating got worse.

I remember going through “bad” spells of eating. Like the volume was turned up to higher, I couldn’t give it a rest.

I would get distracted, my attention moving over to something else (finally) and doing some kind of other activity, enjoying friends, working, reading, seeing a movie, feeling entertained, moving physically….

…..when I’d have the idea to eat. I might be hungry, I might not.

How I ate didn’t seem to have a heck of a lot to do with hunger. It overlapped sometimes, but mostly how I ate had to do with what my MIND thought should or shouldn’t happen with food, not my body.

That mind can be so bossy!

But really, it was trying to help. When there’s a problem, the mind can get VERY INTERESTED in solutions.

To put it mildly.

However, when I look back at my previous self, the one with the eating problems, there were a few beliefs very solidly in place that I never even bothered to question at first.

Once I did, it was like breaking out of prison. One spoonful of dirt at a time…I’m not sayin’ it was instantaneous!

• Empty time is frightening and mysterious, I should be doing something important or productive
• If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s dangerous…especially fear and anger
• life is chaotic, unpredictable, strange…and this is bad
• I am all alone when it comes down to it….also bad
• lots of other people are suffering, unhappy and needy…I’m supposed to help them feel better or avoid them
• I have to do it right: look right, live right, eat right, breathe right, think right, work right (and it’s impossible to be perfect)
• the world is a dangerous, weird, chaotic place

Yikes! Not exactly a peaceful relationship with Reality, the World, this Universe.

The good news?

All of the beliefs don’t have to dissolve instantly for you or anyone to find some relief around food and eating.

Even just thinking about only one of these stressful concepts and asking yourself if it is absolutely 100% true, if you are SURE that This Situation (being on the planet) is creepy, uncomfortable, frightening or hard…

…might bring in some doubt about what’s going on around here.

You are not safe in this moment….is that true?

This quietness is uncomfortable, you are lonely, angry, outraged, scared…and you can’t deal with it….is that true?

How do I react when I believe a situation is dangerous, or frightening?

I work on protecting myself, I try not to think about it, I hide under the table, I smile when I’m actually very sad, I avoid other people, I’m not entirely honest, I don’t get support, I pretend I’m OK, I help others instead of me, I fill up the empty space of silence with eating food (or whatever other activity helps fill the void).

Who would I be without the thought that Things Are Dangerous or Scary? Or that things are off, unpredictable, disappointing?

Without the thought that food, people, bodies, eating or any of it is wrong, was wrong before, or will be wrong in the future?

I am willing to be with empty, unknown, wild, mysterious space. I notice that the present moment is not so bad after all.

I notice how safe I am in this second, because I’m here.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place, or life is risky then I feel kind, loving, patient, surrendered.

I’m waiting, open, resting. So much more relaxed.

I don’t feel like eating. My craving fades away.

I turn my beliefs around to the opposite, to try them on. They could be just as true, or truer.

• Empty time is exciting and mysterious, just being here is important and productive, without having to DO anything
• If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s wonderful and thrilling…especially fear and anger (or could those feelings be love and power?)
• life is loving, predictable, familiar…and this is fabulous
• I am not alone when it comes down to it….also fabulous!
• lots of other people are joyful, happy and satisfied…I’m supposed to helpmyself feel better when I’m with them all
• there is no “right” way: I am succeeding
• the world is a friendly, unusual, brilliant , trusting place

There’s wild wind, then it stops, then there’s silence, and then there’s a breeze again.

Am I all right, whatever the weather?

“Just sit there right now, don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God, from Love, is the hardest work in this World. Let me bring you trays of food and something that you like to drink. You can use my soft words as a cushion for your Head.” ~ Hafiz

Inquire, relax, rest and eating food (and those compulsive activities) fall away, fall into place, fall into emptiness.