Yesterday, I talked about POWER and how it relates to this life with eating food….and how twisted up it can get.
(To read the post if you missed it, click here).
When I was eating frantically, or running at 6 am for 3 miles in the dark, or hanging my head over the toilet to throw up the huge amount of food I just ate….I felt very, very powerless.
My mind got stuck on my powerlessness over food and eating.
When I calmed down from a binge or purge episode, I would begin to feel just a little better again, I would feel a little rested, not so awful and full of self-condemnation, not quite so anxious.
I might have a day or two, or a week or two, where I stayed on a food plan or a diet, or follow my rules of what is “good” to eat and avoid what was “bad” to eat.
Then I’d feel like I could handle my life, things were going OK, nothing horrendous to report from the battlefield, all quiet on the front.
But the problem was, I was worried that I would lose control again wildly, unimaginably, and I wasn’t even sure why. It seemed to happen over and over again. I would cling to that food plan like it was my saving grace, as long as I stayed on it.
(Nothing wrong with food plans, by the way….they can be very stabilizing and give you the gift of knowing what to do and when to eat if you’re super confused).
What I really wanted was a relaxation that seemed impossible. To never, ever worry about food, eating, diet, my body size, or what I was or wasn’t eating again.
I wanted my whole entire problem to GO AWAY.
I tried everything to eliminate it and make it go away. I just wanted something to “work” and help me stay on solid ground for more than a few days or a few weeks (I once controlled myself on a food plan for over a year…but then that crashed as well).
It really seemed like the way people made changes in the world was to take control of a situation, use willpower, force, determination, persistence, motivation.
Most of the diet books and books on food used these kinds of words and offered tremendous structure and how to stick with something without getting thrown off course.
But none of that can work if you feel frightened of being in the opposite field…of being in the state of having no control, no clear way to change, no guarantees, no answer, no solution.
I found out, the very hard and difficult way, that I had to accept the places I had NO power at all….to find where I did.
Where did I have zero power or control in my life?
I started with a list of where I had no power when it came to food and eating, it seemed….and then expanded to where ELSE I had no power.
My list looked something like this:
I am powerless over these urges to binge, I am powerless over cravings, wanting to stuff my face, hunger and fullness. I am powerless over the exact appearance of my body, powerless over cellulite, the exact shape of my thighs or stomach, the way my face is designed.
I am powerless over other people and how they behave or talk with me or what they are thinking, I am powerless over the weather, I am powerless over my boss, my job, the traffic, how much time I have.
I am powerless over my emotions especially anger, sadness or fear. I’m powerless over what happens every day. I am powerless over my spiritual path. I’m powerless over achieving spiritual enlightenment!
Now, being powerless in itself is not necessarily upsetting…unless it is.
That’s where your key to understanding and clarity can burst open…when you feel yourself being upset at whatever you feel powerless over.
How do you begin?
Write down ONE troubling situation where you feel really powerless, something that scares you, something troubling you really hate in life.
It doesn’t have to be about food and eating.
In fact…if you see what else besides food and eating and your body feel powerless, you might crack into some deeper beliefs that sit inside you and fuel your urges to eat when you aren’t hungry.
Then use inquiry to explore and investigate your experience.
I am powerless over my anxiety.
(You might write a person’s name, what someone said to you, what someone thinks of you or did to you, a place, an incident, something about your body…anything you feel powerless over).
Now ask…why is that upsetting?
Let’s look at being powerless over anxiety. A lot of people who fall into addictive activities feel upset about having anxiety, right?
Why would you want power over your feeling of anxiety?
Because I hate feeling anxious, it feels sickening. I want to feel relaxed at all times, and happy!!
Why do you not want to feel anxious? Are you sure you don’t?
What if instead of being hateful and something to be controlled…anxiety was here to offer you something important?
What’s the reality of anxiety?
It exists!
“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie
What happens when you hate anxiety, and you feel anxious?
I lower my eyes and don’t look at people. I try to pretend I’m not anxious when I walk down the halls. I hide under the covers. I soothe myself with food. I don’t say what I feel.
Who would you be if you couldn’t even have that thought that anxiety is bad?
Oh. Strange!
Yes, it’s odd…but what if you didn’t even know that the feeling we’re calling “anxiety” was called “anxiety”? What if you just felt it, coursing through your body, without a label?
Wow. I’d notice high energy, something that wants to run. I’d also notice what it’s like to look around, see the space and air and windows and people or activity around me.
I’d pause and look around, with this feeling running.
If you turn the thought around to the opposite….see what that is like, as you examine and feel “anxiety”….
….I want to feel anxious. This is OK to be feeling this feeling.
How could that be true?
“Quite simply, if you’re feeling anxious, angry, a sense of shame, whatever it is, breathe in and agree to touch or feel it. Breathing out, offer space and care to whatever’s there. If there’s blocking to touching it, emphasize the in-breath and stay embodied.” ~ Tara Brach
Try it and see what happens. See if you can not do anything about it (like reach for food).
See if you can not leave yourself when you’re anxious and try to get rid of it.
Are you OK?
I found, that’s the only place I have any power. To simply be with what is.
“Existence can feel overwhelming sometimes; the waves in life’s ocean can be so intense that it feels like we will be destroyed if we go any further, and the only solution seems to be to shut down and distract ourselves from present experience…But as the ocean itself, as the vast space of consciousness that holds all of these beloved waves, you can never truly be destroyed.” ~ Jeff Foster
We’ll work more with anxiety and not trying to escape it in the Eating Peace program coming up…but you can try it today without waiting.
See what happens if you stop and do nothing for even one minute when you feel anxious, and your mind is full of plans and ideas and thoughts of quick escape.
Wait for 60 seconds before running to eat something. You can eat in 60 seconds, so don’t worry, you’ll still get to eat. But pause and see what the anxiety is saying first….you may be surprised.
You may find the urge to eat….dissolves.
Really.
Much love, Grace