First of all, the latest Peace Talk Podcast 138: When the doctor said it’s cancer! (Yikes!)
People are pretty incredible at pretending they feel things they don’t really feel.
Remember the famous movie scene in When Harry Met Sally with Meg Ryan’s in Katz’ restaurant with Billy Crystal? (I’ll have what she’s having!)
And then I heard recently in the movie I, Tonya about a tragic moment when Tonya Harding skates out on the ice with a huge big fake smile, despite having terrible bruises under her make-up and emotional heart-break only moments before.
It’s astonishing how we can look like something on the outside that’s not matching at all on the inside.
It’s acting.
And oh my, I used to act a lot.
When I was a child, I covered up feeling betrayed or hurt with a smile. I’d hold in tears by holding my breath. I smiled when I was actually terrified or upset. I was shy and avoided people I really liked a lot and admired.
The thing I found amazing about The Work, and also a bit awkward (OK very very awkward at first) was the first step: tell the truth about how you really feel.
The whole truth.
No matter how petty, childish, ridiculous, mean, vicious or nasty you sound. And no matter if part of you thinks it is NOT true.
Tell it on paper, so it doesn’t sneak away and get reworded or hidden or subverted all over again.
Now, this is an incredible step, to admit and be willing to write down all your aggressive, judgmental, suspicious, frightened, childish thoughts about other people, situations, or things that bother you.
I’ve had people tell me to keep their worksheets in a brown file folder at my house, or if they’re long distance that they’re shredding their worksheet the minute they’re done with it.
But what about in a group?
Where other people are listening, hearing, contemplating YOUR mean awful desperate thoughts?
Why would I want other people, and maybe even strangers, to hear my most ugly thoughts? That’s taking it too far. I just can’t.
Long ago on my first adventures into healing my extremely anxious mind, I was led to a therapist who believed in group therapy. She believed it was so valuable, she encouraged every single person who came to work with her to eventually move into one of her groups.
In fact, if you wanted to keep to individual sessions only, she’d kick you out–er, I mean refer you on to some other therapist–who was willing to listen to you repeat yourself, possibly for years.
Even though I trusted her, I was pretty nervous about the group therapy.
I thought “I’ll never do that.”
But after six months of solo work, she said it was time.
I sat in near total silence from Day One of entering that group. I could barely whisper my name to the other members (there were 9). I looked down at the rug, or stared at whoever was talking politely.
I was deeply curious about what was going on, but absolutely shaking in my bones to reveal the true me. It felt paralyzing.
One day, about six months into me being in the group, the lead therapist (the one I had seen independently for awhile first) said she had something important to say before we began.
She turned to me.
Gulp.
“Grace, you have been completely silent for six months here. Do you realize, you are remaining in complete control by doing this? We want to get to know you, to feel you as a part of this group family.”
I began to cry. (Although not too hard, mind you).
I’m not sure if it was out of fear, or relief.
I knew that although I was terrified to share, I also knew I wanted to desperately, and to feel the freedom of being all of myself, the childish and the wise.
I started talking from that day forward, and participating honestly. Slowly, this became easier and easier over time. It was one of the most life-changing and important things I ever did for my own freedom.
While I was in that group, I had my last eating binge, I became close to my boyfriend in a more genuine way (and married him), I began writing short stories for other people to read–not just me, and I held a normal full time job I actually kind of liked.
I began to feel…..normal. Like a regular human being instead of a severely anxious, depressed, addicted wreck.
Sharing in a group with true honesty has remained powerful for me to this day.
I love the dynamics of a group and I have a deep, abiding compassion for those who wish to keep things to themselves.
I know they do it for good reasons.
I also know the power of self-inquiry that can help us begin to speak when we’re stuck in silence.
What I find every time in a group environment with other people, is we’re all quite unique, but we’re also incredibly alike.
We’re all thinking, believing, feeling humans. We all have childish aspects and very wise adult aspects and everything in between. We’re all doing it our own way, on our own path….and yet somehow, together.
“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie
If I had not shown up at that group so long ago, and been poked to be honest, I might be living a life of simple survival, getting through each day, feeling somewhat alone and never really excited or passionate. Maybe I wouldn’t be binge-eating or freaking out anxiously anymore, but I might be resigned, or numb. Who knows.
I am forever grateful I myself responded to something within that said “call that therapist” and that I stuck with it despite having extremely frightened judgments about people getting together and being emotional (ew).
I am forever grateful the universe was friendly, and I got pushed along by the current of truth-telling, and willingness to be authentic and real.
Honesty and revealing the suffering allows the light to shine in.
If you’ve been considering sitting with others to sink into your own work, in a very safe non-invasive, nothing-is-truly-required container….then come gather with me and other inquirers to look at this goofy and difficult and sad and humorous mind that views the world the way it does.
You may discover an acceptance, through the eyes of others, you never found possible for yourself.
Because that’s what happened for me so long ago in that little group.
I shared with them out loud that I sometimes felt suicidal, that I isolated, that I ate the equivalent of five meals instead of one.
I looked up at them, thinking I’d see disgust on their faces.
I saw only acceptance. Compassion. Tenderness. Maybe some confusion. I was not banished or rejected.
No one kicked me out of the group for being too much of a mess.
It changed my life.
It showed me what I could do for myself: accept my thoughts, like little children, waiting for someone to listen….and that someone was me.
“I had such a hunger to burn up whatever thoughts arose in my mind that whenever a physical reaction came through me, I let it come….I would just stand or drop onto the sidewalk and let the emotion have its way. People were always kind. They would stop and say things like ‘Do you need help?’ ‘Would you like a tissue?’ ‘Is there someone I can call?’ ‘Can I take you somewhere?’ That’s how I met the world. It was tender. It was sensitive. These people were all pieces of me.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself.
If you’re like me and you notice you could use a little help in coming out of your shell or cave, or you’re not sure where your “yes” voice is that knows we’re in a great big co-creation experiment (oh joy)….
….then you may be ready for retreat.
Find one in your neighborhood or city, even a few hours drive away will work to gather and connect with others. Maybe there’s a meetup in The Work in your area, or someone who facilitates retreats.
If you’re in the northwest or want to head in this direction, I’d welcome you with open arms.
Three options I have coming soon:
a) Half-day retreat in Seattle March 18th (3 more spots). Only 4 hours 2-6 pm. You’ll walk through this powerful inquiry process with one important issue or troubling situation. You don’t have to share out loud–although you may find joy if you do. Ten people maximum in my Goldilocks Cottage living room.
b) Spring retreat is in Seattle May 16-20 and has room for 4 more. You can commute, and there’s a cute AirBnb or two nearby I can point you to. We have a grand, gorgeous retreat house with the most luscious grounds with little meditation huts, a hot tub, and green views everywhere. Movement, poetry, inspiring stories of inquiry, silent walk, silent movement field trip, a movie night can all result in inner awareness and you finding your own solutions to stuck-ness.
c) And then there’s Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon June 13-17 with the lovely Todd Smith. Although 3 months away, the early bird fee is NOW and it’s strongly encouraged to reserve your lodging soon, as cabins, dorms, rooms in the lodge, and even campsite spaces all get taken up so quickly in this gorgeous season where the sun is out so long in the northwest and people from all over the world come to Breitenbush. People got turned away last year beginning in May–it was a little surprising. If you’re serious about coming to Breitenbush, it’s better to reserve now (only a deposit is due upon registration)–call Breitenbush 503-854-3320.
P.S. If you’ve emailed me about any of these events, and I haven’t gotten back to you–it may be email tech problems. Write to gracewithwork@gmail.com my alternate email.
P.P.S. Much love to you on your journey home to yourself.