Today I was thinking about times in life when people get a wild hair and change something major in one big fell swoop.
AND NOW, for something completely different!!
And following this, the person leaves town, hits the road for another country, quits their job, says “yes” to going on a date by someone they don’t think of as their type, doesn’t stop at the usual bar on the way home, joins a gym, hires a counselor, calls a family member and tells them the truth, throws the cigarettes out the window on the freeway….
That moment, something changed.
Even if the event had been mulled over for a long time, that was the day action occurred.
Something reached out for a new experience, walking through a door into new territory….something willing to either feel the pain of not-knowing-what-will-happen-next, or to get away from the torture of living the same repetitive conditions.
Many researchers in psychology and spirituality, many humans in general, have studied why people change, and why it sticks, and why people DON’T change or why it DOES NOT stick.
The Harvard Business Review had an article several years ago on the best ways businesses make change.
The number one step? Assess where the business is right now. In other words, here’s a picture of the scene, the situation.
All the other steps follow that first one: once you know the situation and are seeing it with clear eyes (as clear as possible) then you can imagine what it might look like, set up the conditions for success, think about what parts will be hard and get support or help, and call on courage.
But that first step, the foundation…I have found it to be the key.
In fact, there is never, ever a guarantee of the change…you may have noticed. Even if VOWS are made…it doesn’t always mean they are kept.
Without looking closely, without understanding and opening to what is, and questioning some of the stress associated with the current status quo, then initiating change may really not “work”.
With The Work and self-inquiry, I actually have found that I don’t ever “need” to worry about how to make change, or initiate change, or produce change. In fact, stopping the idea that change MUST HAPPEN and giving up on that (if possible) winds up making it easier.
Weird but true. The situation becomes vivid, the beliefs I have about that situation become obvious, and then I take them to inquiry and something shifts that is separate from the part of Me, Myself and I that believes it has to change.
“I need to make a change”.
Is that true? YES! I’ve been smoking for years now when I know it’s terrible for my health! I hate my job! I’m bored in my relationship! I have to lose weight! I want to see the world! I need more money! Look at all the evidence!
I once was dating someone who every time I was with him, I had a pretty uncomfortable time. I was scared, unsure of myself, he seemed to have big outbursts of sudden anger, he would say “I don’t like you” and I would stay. He was super clear. I kept going out with him, communicating with him on the phone. I wondered why I didn’t say No. Everyone advised me to end the relationship.
But could I absolutely KNOW that I needed to change and get outta that relationship? I notice that I didn’t…and I notice that there were small changes and awarenesses happening even without me getting involved and saying goodbye.
I needed to be there just as long as I was there, just enough time to learn what I was really there for, the dynamics that took place, what I was believing to be true about me, about relationships, about dating.
Looking back, it was courageous of me to stay. I didn’t chop it off before it even grew into insight and freedom.
I needed to be there long enough to see with compassionate eyes, with love and joy.
One day, I knew to say goodbye. That day I knew. Even though I had thought about it many many times before. That day I knew, with love and genuine gratitude. I learned so very much.
And something inside me was willing to see what the next mystery was like….alone? Other dates? It didn’t matter, I didn’t know.
Today, you can notice one thing you think needs to change in your life, and then look at it. Ask yourself why you want that? Pretend you never heard of this need-for-change before and there is nothing to compare it to, no advice from others.
Only you. You are the universal voice for whatever you’re noticing. You are free to do something new or different in the next couple of hours, or not. Observing it all, not forcing.
No argument with what is.
“The Work doesn’t say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. We simply ask: What is the effect of arguing with reality? How does it feel? This Work explores the cause and effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our freedom. To simply say that we shouldn’t argue with reality is just to add another story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn’t ever worked.”~Byron Katie
Your amazing mind can see great things. It’s an “understanding” machine. Allow everything to be the way it is, and feel the whole entire universe supporting you on a journey.
Question your painful thoughts about what is. Without plans. See what happens.
“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.”~ Charlotte Joko Beck
Simply be aware. Write down the thoughts that repeat themselves and are painful. Nothing more is needed. You can do it.
Love, Grace
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