I have heard from so many people about their reflections on their relationship with money. Thank you all for writing and sharing with me, seriously. It’s fascinating!
What about that other pesky topic that is unmentionable, when it really gets down to sharing the “facts”.
Sexuality, lovers, being physical, touch, making contact with other humans, attraction.
When I was single for several years after a 16 year marriage, it was the weirdest thing to suddenly become aware of all the fears, worries, doubts, misunderstandings, desires, wants, panic and confusion around attraction, dating, expectations, saying yes or saying no to others.
The whole entire arena of sexuality appeared unsafe, and rather dramatic.
Attraction isn’t to be trusted! Bad things happen…just look at Romeo and Juliet, Helena of Troy, Bill Clinton, relationships ending or changing forever. People killing themselves over all this!
People go nuts, they lose their minds, they make stupid decisions, they get irrational, they get addicted to pleasure.
I was one of them.
Even though it felt really difficult, I began to find great wonder in investigation of any belief that appeared that was uncomfortable around pleasure, attraction, interest, noticing others, and communicating with people to tell them what I was thinking.
I discovered that there were some very painful beliefs I held from my far distant past, learned in childhood, about sexuality. Beliefs agreed upon in my culture.
I had never bothered to question them.
All I knew before inquiry is that I felt really nervous in romantic encounters, not very grounded, worried about taking care of myself, worried about the other person and their intentions or lack of intentions.
One of the simplest but most uncomfortable set of thoughts that I had was “this is right, and that is wrong.”
There was a list for both sides.
Here is when being sexual is right…and over here is when being sexual is wrong. Lots of people agree on the lists, depending on where you live or what your cultural conditioning has been.
It seemed at the time that I believed practically 100% that relationships, attraction and sexuality and what these offered were fun, but also danger zones because people (and I) could do something on the “wrong” list….and then someone would be hurt!
It’s true, it’s true! People get so hurt! People cry, gnash their teeth, feel unrequited love, feel obsessive, feel rejected, lose their rational mind, are full of wanting, regret, grabby, demanding, despairing!
I did The Work on men, dating, sex, attraction, stalking, desiring, saying yes, saying no.
I did The Work on the worst situations I had ever heard about, whatever caused me internal sadness or pain or fear; violence connected with sex, children being abused, pornography, hyper-sexuality, insatiable people, addictive sexuality, neediness, religious control around sexuality.
I noticed that many of the stories I had heard, the things people warned about, or the actual events I had encountered, shaped my life as a sexual being….without even knowing it.
Question Four in The Work during self-inquiry is: Who would you be without this thought? Who would you be without your story, in this situation?
When I answered this question in The Work on sexual behavior and beliefs, I felt the unknown mystery, emptiness.
No rules, no dogma, no right, no wrong.
A slowness, a caring. No compulsive urge. No neediness. No demanding. People could come or go, be attracted or not, say yes or say no.
When I answered who I would be, as a dating woman interested in men, without my stories about wrong and right…I didn’t shut down, get so scared.
I didn’t know the answers, and I trusted my internal NO or YES much quicker.
More freedom, more curiosity.
More awareness of something entirely beyond the human body, beyond sensual pleasure, or feelings.
“As long as the conditioned mind operates and you are completely identified with it, there’s no true love. There may be substitutes, things that are called “love” but are not true love…..The important thing is that true love emanates from the timeless, non-formal dimension of who you are…….complete identification with form is ego.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Finding out what you really believe in any given moment or situation with someone….about sexual contact, attraction, feelings, desire….and then inquiring into these troubling or opposing beliefs, can make the world a most amazing, interesting place.
It calmed down my feelings of intensity, relaxed thoughts that said “I have to!” or “he should!”
Everything became much softer, and yet, for me, more sweet and powerful all at once.
But wait!
Back to the drama! I must have a big theatrical wild sensational orgasmic feelings! There must be roller coasters and chaos and desperation and an exciting story!
Not.
Back to self-inquiry, back to investigation, to understanding, to forgiveness, awareness.
Sexuality, like all other areas of inquiry, has been like a pendulum swinging.
At first, very wide big far-reaching swings, believing my thoughts, having a hissy fit reaction to what people did or said.
And then the more inquiry, the less the pendulum swings. The more relaxation.
“Freedom is not necessarily exciting; it’s just free. Very peaceful and quiet, so very quiet. Of course, it is also filled with joy and wonder, but it is not what you imagine. It is much, much less.” ~ Adyashanti
If you notice stressful beliefs about dating, your lover(s), your spouse, expectations around sexuality, physical touch….whether you are single and alone, or partnered for many years…and you want focused time to identify your beliefs and question them, then join us on Fridays, starting next week.
We make a sacred, honorable, confidential space to write our judgments down and take them to inquiry, all via teleconference calls.
Just audio, not video. Freedom to speak what you think, and inquire.
Who would you be without your story that sexuality or attraction, or what happend to you in the past, or the dangers of sexuality, or lackof sexuality, is a problem?
I love continuing to find out.
Love, Grace
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
- Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
- Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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