The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry with Grace Bell
Author: Grace Bell
Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with anxiety and heavy thinking, eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
I love the comments and questions I’m receiving about Peace Talk podcast. Hit reply and let me know what else you’d like to hear or learn about. Interviews with some cool people coming up soon.
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Yesterday, I spent 3 hours futzin’ with technology.
Updating my website (check it out right here–would love your comments actually….as in….can you find stuff better?)
But back to the inquiry process here.
The futzin I was doing. It took soooooooooo long!!!
ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
The video clip I was making suddenly timed out because “start up disk has no more space”.
Start over.
A loud plane flew overhead.
Start over.
I fumbled all over my words (even though I have a policy of ‘good enough’ and ‘not perfect!’).
Start over.
My whole mid-day time for meditation, bike ride, meal and some writing….bashed to pieces because of the COMPUTER.
Heh heh.
Who actually bashed her time to pieces and made the technology more important than the rest of it?
OK, OK.
But let’s do The Work.
It can be really insightful to simply watch that mind come up with all its anger and frustration about stuff breaking, stuff not going the way it should.
Yeah, now that I think about it….
….the washing machine needs to be cleaned or something (it smells funny), there’s a broken part on the dishwasher, the knobs in the bathroom are falling off the fixture bolts, the back door keeps wiggling out of its latch it gets stuck closed, there’s a drywall repair needed near the light switch in the kitchen where water leaked from the roof last winter, and the carpet is totally stained and needs to be replaced.
And I only just got started!!
I’m gonna tear my hair out just thinking about it!!
Someone should fix it. (How about my husband, by the way).
The thoughts will come out swinging like a batter on speed.
So who would I be without the belief that there’s all this broken stuff and it really does need to be repaired?
Without the belief this is aggravating? Or a pain in the ass?
What if I wasn’t against the list of tasks?
My 17 year old daughter comes in, I tell her “the internet hasn’t been working all day and it’s so annoying!”
She gives me a hug and says “I’m sorry it’s not working” and I’m thinking “hugs will not help.”
Ha ha, who is 17?
Then my daughter says “maybe you weren’t supposed to get that video up today, or the website stuff you were doing.”
Oh.
Right.
How is it a good thing it didn’t happen?
Well. For one thing, I realized the do-over video clip I created (for Eating Peace weekly videos) was crap. The original first-take was much better, even though it got cut off at the end.
So I decided to send the cut-off better version and to be SUPER imperfect, and see if it still helps people out who want to watch how to change your thoughts that your body is ugly.
I then had a cancellation of a client so I got to take my bike ride after all.
And I got to see what a wise daughter I have.
Now that’s worth three hours of futzing around thinking you’re “wasting time” with technology. Don’t you agree?
“The more closely I look at something, the more I begin to notice that I really don’t know what it is. A name arises, and with it the silent ‘is it true?’, surrounded by and emanating the laughter that comes from not knowing.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy #48
This coming weekend Sunday afternoon: Meetup 2-4 pm Goldilocks Cottage. The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle. Join me!
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Moving, inspiration film is one of my favorite ways of experiencing the beauty of story.
Your own story….blown at just the right moment
If you keep looking, you will see the whole story, at just the right time
You get a full blown tale, start to finish. Something is usually resolved (in a good story), people become clear, the hero achieves the goal, the heroine arrives or learns what was necessary.
They find love, acceptance, or peace….they meet death.
I can cry at a great and touching movie.
And the whole time, I know its a story. Heck, I can tear up at a commercial on TV.
(Yes, I’m one of those people, we’ll do The Work on that later).
But I always know its a story.
It’s almost funny how this one part of my psyche will join in the game, as if eager to jump into the drama, “OK….let’s see what THIS story feels like!”
I know darn well the whole time that if I stepped around to the side or back of the screen as the movie played, I would only see a thick piece of reflective material (whatever screens are made out of).
If I turned off the sound while hanging out behind the screen, the story would basically be over.
Not long ago, I was watching one of my favorite movies, Whale Rider.
Even though I’ve seen it several times before….here comes the welling up of tears, the inspiration that happens when the truth is finally realized by one of the main characters, Grandfather.
The veil is lifted….after he stubbornly could not see and could not see and could not see.
This time, as I watched, I thought about me.
Because I was turning this all around knowing in the end, this was about me and my humanity, which is why I was so moved.
I was realizing my own beliefs about being in the dark, in the dark, in the dark….
…..not seeing what was right in front of me.
It’s so inspiring to have the veil lifted, to see the “real” truth, to understand, to discover reality, to get the entire story.
Dang. I didn’t see this. It was there the whole time.
This is what I love the most about The Work and questioning what you really, really, really think is the truth.
You look, and look again, and the evidence parades before you (like the Grandfather in Whale Rider).
You have expectations about what love, truth, enlightenment, awareness is supposed to look like.
But if you feel stress and anxiety about what reality looks like, you can question what you think.
This is NOT it.
Is that true?
WOW! Maybe not!
How do you react when you think you know what’s true, and this is not it?
Who would you be without the belief that this isn’t it?
Ha ha. Crying tears of relief, joy and inspiration. Crying from the sheer astonishment, from the beauty that we all get there in the end.
Even old set-in-their-ways grandfathers.
(Even old set-in-their-ways minds).
“You are not the thinking mind; you are aware of the thinking mind. You are the consciousness that is behind the mind and is aware of the thoughts. The minute you stop putting your whole heart and soul into the mind as if it were your savior and protector, you will find yourself behind the mind watching it. That’s how you know about your thoughts: you are in there watching them.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
Just like a movie, you watch your thoughts.
You might get all absorbed and tear up, but it doesn’t mean you don’t wake up from the movie ever, from seeing what’s really true for you.
I’m thrilled to say Peace Talk podcast has gotten almost 10,000 downloads. Three episodes per week, only 5-7 minutes, of how to return to peace if you wing yourself out of it through stressful thinking.
Peace Talk: peace right here and now
Enjoy last week’s shows on death, or the one that came out today on being nervous about honest conversations with people, right here:
I would love you to review and a comment!! It would mean so much!!
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From time to time, I share that I have thoughts about quittin’ it all and going to live in a monastery.
Yeah, that’s right.
Head to Nova Scotia to live in the place Pema Chodron sometimes resides. Or figure out how to stay at Cheri Huber’s monastery.
Or what about the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky where Thomas Merton lived.
It sounds sweet. Gentle. Relaxing.
But I couldn’t do THAT. Noooo way!!! I am needed where I am, I have things to accomplish, I can’t stop now!
Right?
But do I really have to make a lot of money, finish that book, exercise, mow the lawn, do laundry, pick up the kids, pay that bill, become enlightened, etc?
Can’t I just stop?
As in, entirely.
And Do Nothing?
It’s interesting to take a look, using self-inquiry.
Pick anything at all that you believe you HAVE to do, or else. You HAVE to do in order to survive, or to have a successful life.
And you feel grabby about it. You don’t believe you have it yet, or you feel trapped and stuck. It’s eluding you.
You have to do it, or have it…..
…..is this true?
YES! It will be sooooo disappointing if I stop going to work, or give up the pursuit of success in business.
It will be a shame if I stop striving for self-realization.
If I don’t find that perfect true love, I’ll be a failure. If I don’t get published or invent the creation I’ve dreamed of, it will be terrible.
If I never have a kid, if I don’t get the perfect career, if I stop going for it….just terrible.
Are you sure?
No.
How do you react when you believe you really need to accomplish something, that you’re in hot pursuit, and that if you stop or change your intensity and give up, you’ll be a failure?
I doubt myself and my ideas.
I get all kinds of pictures of disaster, or unhappiness. Like I’ll feel regret later, in the future, if I quit “x” now. I renew efforts to get what I want. I don’t entertain the idea of stopping. I keep the fire going of “I must” and “I have to”.
And I feel tired.
I flip flop around in dreams of changing everything, and dreams of succeeding in what I’m doing now.
But who would you be without these kinds of thoughts? Without the beliefs that you must, you have to, you can’t stop, you needa push, you shouldn’t quit?
This can take a moment to imagine.
Wow, though.
Without the belief I need to get over there, instead of simply being here where I am?
I neither think of escaping in monasteries nor sticking the current thing out with no deviation.
I’m back to the present, right here.
I let go.
It’s like a surrender of everything.
There’s no control of the future, no tightness about which direction to take, no agonizing about where this life moves.
Turning the thoughts around: What is present, here and now, is what I want. Nothing more, nothing different, is required for peace.
There’s no reason to either escape or commit…unless this becomes clear as the next step of love and integrity.
“In most societies you are well rewarded for how good you are at clinging and building. If you get that model down absolutely right and behave consistently every time, you have actually ‘created’ someone. And if the someone you create is what others want and need, you can be very popular and successful….But if you’re willing to let go, you’ll fall back and it will open into an ocean of energy. You will become filled with a light that has no darkness, with a peace that passeth all understanding. You will then walk through every moment of your daily life with the flow of this inner force sustaining you, feeding you, and guiding you from deep within.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
All I know is, dreaming of somewhere else, something different, whether giving up or pushing on….
….both feel stressful in different ways. Both have focus in the future, not here.
Coming back to here, now, I notice I have no idea where life is going.
The Work: your own walk through reality, your answers
On Saturday a lovely group gathered for the 4 hour mini retreat to closely investigate one personal stressful relationship or situation.
One participant asked a question I’ve heard before.
A very powerful question.
“If I do The Work on difficult situations, won’t I just walk around letting everything happen, allowing everything to be as it is, never making a single change, never asserting myself, allowing myself to get hurt?”
This question comes forth in different ways.
Sometimes it dawns on people when they really enter this deep investigation about what stresses them in reality….
Now wait a minute…..
….if I love what is, and I don’t hate what is, what’s the point then of me living?
I’ll have no personal voice, I won’t stand up for myself. If I was in an abusive relationship I’d stay and get beaten verbally or physically over and over again. Not minding what is.
Or….
….I’ll sit around on my couch and never get the job I want. I’ll never move out of my parent’s house. I’ll never “try” to achieve anything.
Or….
….if I love what is I won’t protest and fight for improvement. I won’t be an activist for women’s rights, or reduced global warning, or farming organically!
No! I have to be annoyed with what is! I have to fight what is!
So….is doing The Work a way of becoming passive?
Well.
My short answer is No. Not at all.
As a generally shy and exceptionally introverted person in my childhood personality….I have become more and more open, fearless, courageous and alive with an inexplicable energy with every day that passes.
Yeah, really.
And it’s accelerated through doing The Work. Exponentially.
But in my first two full years of doing The Work, I have a confession to make.
I WAS a bit more passive while doing The Work!!!!
Vedy vedy intah-resting (you say it with a German accent like a genius mad scientist).
There was a core part of me that really hated conflict.
Please, just let’s never, ever, ever have any conflict. I don’t want to bring up frightening things with other people, I don’t want to say no, I don’t want to disagree, I don’t want to be rejected, I don’t want to be angry or hate anyone.
OK?
I just HAVE to maintain inner peace.
Big feelings are too scary.
The world is crazy and traumatic.
People are unpredictable, disappointing and terrifying.
I encountered The Work and instead of ditching people ASAP the minute they scared me, or retreating from ever speaking up as I had in the past…..
…..I wrote worksheets on everyone, on life, on money, on jobs.
I saw the rage I had within and the frustration and despair.
And I did The Work with a vengeance so I would NOT feel rage, frustration and despair.
I’m going to love those mean, nasty people if it kills me!
I had such a big motive. So big, I didn’t even realize I had it. I wanted to be a good, stable, calm person….
….I did not want to accept the feelings inside of ME.
I was at the New Year’s Cleanse, an annual event with Byron Katie where people gather in a huge hotel conference center and people one by one get up on stage and do The Work with Katie facilitating.
There’s lots of time for audience feedback, comments, questions and reflection.
A woman did The Work on her son’s addiction. All the years of pain and agony as he went in and out of treatment centers and lived on the streets and nearly died.
After hearing her incredible and courageous work on her own inner thinking about this human she loved so much (her son) and discovering she could dissolve her thoughts about his life, and return to focusing on her own life….
….I raised my hand.
I shared with Katie that I was doing The Work over and over again on this one person who drove me crazy (a man I was dating who also had an addiction problem). I wondered why The Work wasn’t working?
After some discussion, Katie said to me….
….”How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!!”
Oh.
Oh my.
Oh. My. God. LIGHTBULB!
I had been doing The Work trying to get to a certain outcome…. called I-am-no-longer-angry.
I had insane expectations of my own inner life.
That if I was really an amazing and realized person, I would be calm, regulated, mature, no-intense-feelings, never angry, and maybe even glow a little. I’d be happy all the time. Addicts might even choose my company over their addiction (yes, it was that arrogant).
I saw in that moment.
It was not The Work that “made” me passively stay in a relationship that was very troubling, trying to be nice and to help and rescue the person all the time.
It was my own mental construct about what I thought I needed to do with my thinking. Make it different. So the person I wanted to love me could actually do it the way I wanted.
Ha ha.
What is funny is, I couldn’t have stopped my personal investigation of reality if I wanted to at that point. I kept questioning. I kept doing The Work. But it truly became my own work, not Katie’s work or anyone else’s work.
I wanted to know the truth.
It was OK if other people didn’t do what I wanted them to do.
I finally realized it was up to me to love myself, up to me to end my own addiction to expecting other people to love me instead of me to love me.
I was the biggest blessing in the world that I encountered that human being who brought out such anger within me….
….because the passion, the intensity, the lazer-sharp clarity was revealed without trying to destroy it.
It had a message.
End The War.
I “broke up” with that person (so grateful to him) and got down to the real relationship I truly wanted all along.
The one with me. Me and all of the wild spectacular mysterious universe.
The thing about this inquiry, doing The Work, is that it will break apart anything you’re afraid of as you continue.
Even if you do “use” it to become passive or a doormat or to not speak up, that won’t last for long. Because it won’t be the real truth for you.
If you’re really answering the questions and staying present, watching what is true for you in the mind, imagining who you are without your beliefs….
….every untrue, unworkable, painful thought will be revealed in the perfect time, in the perfect way, for your undoing.
And if you think “if I do The Work I will become a passive ineffective lover of everything” you can question THAT thought and see what’s true.
For me, it’s been the opposite.
“Not knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71
Would you like to come do The Work of Byron Katie tomorrow afternoon? You get to work on a problem, person or issue in your life that’s stressing you out. I’ll be there every step of the way from start to finish and help you find your own answers.
(No one has to share their work, by the way). Mental health counselors can receive 4 CEUs.
We’re meeting 1:30-5:30 pm in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage.
(You might get to meet a raccoon….keep reading to see why).
Room now for two more because of a cancellation last night. Hit reply to this email and I’ll send you all the details.
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I was preparing for the mini retreat this weekend partly by picking Rainier cherries from the two luscious trees in the front yard of the cottage.
I thought I’d include them in our snacks and provisions for the inward journey.
Oh….and I also wanted to get as many off the tree as possible before that raccoon tried to eat them, again!
Greedy varmit! My cherries! Not yours!
Oh. Hi, didn’t see you there. I was busy having a hissy fit about a raccoon for a second.
Have you ever found yourself flippin’ out because you forgot something at home, or your kid left a mess on the kitchen counter, or your car broke down, or the traffic is thick?
That auto-pilot response…..OH DRAT…..and an shot of irritated energy zings out. Maybe you curse.
Or you say “rrrrrrr!” like a growl.
Well….self-inquiry can be amazing for very painful investigations into thought, but also this kind of small-potatoes investigation as well. The things that aren’t so troubling, and yet, you notice you’re building a case for how you’re a victim of circumstances, a victim of the situation.
Let’s call that a Raccoon Situation.
This past weekend, the days were sunny and beautiful during the Year of Inquiry retreat. We had the front door of the cottage propped open, as well as the two back French doors, so a light breeze could blow through the house. Birds were tweeting, people went by on their bicycles, and we were all gathered in a big circle in the pretty living room.
In the middle of someone’s sharing, I suddenly glimpsed a large dark shape moving. A big thick moving creature in one of the cherry trees in the front yard.
What??!! A raccoon out during the day?!
Arrrrrrgh! Get outta my tree! My cherries! Shoo! Scat!
Bang Bang!
I jumped up and clapped at the animal, which stared at me a second and sauntered slowly down the tree trunk and off across the street under a tall laurel bush.
A participant in the retreat said “oh, so cute!”
I think someone took a picture.
But I was thinking of building an electric shock fence around the base of my cherry trees, or sitting up that night with a stick ready to swat.
Not that I’d actually want to fight the raccoon but I wanted it gone and to never come back and never eat any of my cherries.
EVER!
But I composed myself and we reassembled.
Now where were we….
The following day, again in circle during the afternoon session, again in the beauty of the thoughtful inquiry and people sharing very powerful personal work….
….I see the tree shaking and a movement reflected in the door glass.
I get up and lean out the front door and clap at it. GIT!
I had to laugh upon returning to my chair.
No one at the retreat complained a peep about my impulse to Get The Raccoon Out.
Someone even offered to spray it, if I had a hose.
But I was laughing because I could see the mind creating an instant story.
MY cherries, MY trees, MY yard! Enemy raccoon!
Who would I be without the belief I had to chase that thing away?
Who would I be without the belief it was taking something of MINE?
Who would you be without the thought that you’ve be done wrong, or something is in opposition to you—like traffic, or something spilling, or the customer service dude not getting your issue, or not being able to find your keys?
I know for me….I’m laughing.
Life is hi-la-rious! Raccoons show up!
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher
If you find you get jolted by day-to-day activities….
….commuting, traffic, house chores, meetings, laundry, wildlife….
….who would you be without your tension?
Yippeeeeee!!!
Much love, Grace
P.S. A couple more spots only at Breitenbush Hot Springs in 3 weeks. We have the most spectacular time soaking in inquiry Weds through Sunday 6/24-6/28. Call 503-854-3320 with questions or to register. 26 CEUs for mental health counselors. 24 CEs for Byron Katie Facilitators.
Not everyone knows that I spent about 10 years of my life….
….as a smoker.
Yep.
I had my first cigarette sometime around age 17 thinking this was just a casual funny thing to do when gathered with friends pretending you were a real grown up.
That turned into heading off to college very soon afterwards and noticing the students who smoked and the students who didn’t smoke, and joining in with the crowd who did.
Then I had a boyfriend who smoked. Every day.
The frequency just kept increasing over time, until I had to realize….
….I was a smoker.
Then I learned something about tobacco companies making millions and decided to buy a pouch of tobacco and roll my own (thinking this cut back on my contribution to those Big Corporations).
One day, I was rolling my cigarette in my apartment, all alone. I had been out biking almost all day, sweating and feeling joy in my athletic body.
I paused. I have no idea why.
I thought about what I was doing, looking at my fingers working with the rolling paper. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I graduate college”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I break up with my boyfriend”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I live in my own apartment”.
I was 26, I had broken up with the smoking boyfriend, I had graduated college, and now I lived in my own apartment. I kept passing all those points, and I didn’t stop.
This was going to be harder than I imagined.
I suddenly knew….I either keep going like this, thinking I’ll stop when….
….or I stop.
I don’t know why this particular thing struck me this way.
I had other experiences of addiction….primarily eating….
….that despite wanting to change or stop, I just couldn’t or didn’t until I had several important mentors, therapists and teachers help me with my overwhelming feelings.
But smoking?
It really came over me that day. I just have to stop.
So I did…..for about 6 months.
Then, through a series of transitions and events, I left my job and my apartment behind and returned to my parent’s house where I grew up to regroup for awhile and figure out what was next.
Staring out the window of my old childhood bedroom, at age 26, I felt like an abject failure.
I’m doomed, I thought. I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.
Now I have to find a job all over again, and my own place to live, and stop moving back in with my parents. Jeez.
The next thought?
I know! Go buy a pack of smokes! Yeah….do that next!
So I listened to that voice, and I left on foot for the corner store, and walked around the neighborhood at odd nighttime hours, smoking (since it wasn’t allowed in my parents’ house and I agreed it shouldn’t be, plus I was ashamed to be seen smoking by my parents).
I didn’t realize back then, it was my thoughts and feelings that were driving my urge to smoke.
I didn’t realize my own self-hate, being addicted to compulsively thinking there was something wrong with me and with the world, was the thing that fueled the fire of doing this activity called smoking.
Thoughts like….
….I’m unworthy, I can’t, I’m stupid, I’m slow, I’m too whatever.
But here’s the real kicker, as I look back at that time when I re-started smoking.
I’d smoke (or eat, or drink, or over-exercise) in order to not have to actually discover what it would be like to simply be myself.
I didn’t think I could be just me.
Raw, unaltered. Unfiltered (like the cigarettes I used to smoke).
Now, before you think that I “got” something and had a big Ah-Ha magic moment and stopped smoking because of a great lightening bolt of insight….I’ll tell you the end of the smoking story.
As I wandered the neighborhood in growing despair, I would sometimes have the thought “I’d rather be dead.”
Not exactly ready to commit suicide, but very dark and hopeless.
It was so dark and intense….
….I found myself sitting on top of my childhood built-in desk one night at 2 am, looking out at the roof tops of other houses into the night sky, with the window wide open.
God, I need help. I have no idea how to do this. Help.
A few days later, I accepted an invitation from an old friend to attend a party.
Who knows if I would actually go or not….I had no idea.
But I did.
At that party, a man came up to me as I sat under a tree with my lit cigarette and said “Is this your James Dean impression?”
I stared.
Did he just say what I think he said?
It was the most honest question I had been asked in months, and months.
The banter followed. He sat down near me. We talked for hours. We exchanged phone numbers.
A week later, no call from this man.
But I had been thinking about his bold question and the term “impression”.
I liked this awareness that the smoking was an impression, and not the real me. This is secretly what I knew already.
When I reached him on the phone, here’s what he said: Yeah, well, I agree it was awesome talking last week. But I’m serious about the whole smoking thing. I hate it. Smoke smells terrible to me, it kinda makes my head hurt. If you want to do it, OK….but we won’t be seeing each other.
Woah.
Smoking, or his company?
I got all the remaining cigarettes I had purchased, and crunched them into pieces and flushed them all down the toilet. The thing is, I had done this before. I knew what it was like to think “I’m DONE!” and then go back later.
But the next day, I learned I got a job I had interviewed for several weeks earlier at The American Lung Association.
You couldn’t smoke if you worked at the American Lung Association. In fact, I would be helping to educate people about quitting.
I never smoked again.
Not everyone gets an obvious set of choices like that. Maybe because I was such a knucklehead, I needed it to be really clear what choice to make.
But you still have one choice….do you want to see what it’s like to stop acting on the addictive pattern you’re in?
Because you can.
You can tell other people, you can get support, you can call for help.
You can question your thoughts about yourself that you aren’t capable of stopping.
You can most of all question your thoughts of pain, suffering and unrest. All the disturbing thoughts you think that you’ve been believing are true, that contribute to your addictive fixations….
….whether you’re focused on smoking, or eating, or drinking, or using drugs, or having a massive weird crush on someone, or using sex or people as objects of addiction, or spending money and buying stuff, or achieving enlightenment.
Finding out what’s out there, beyond stopping, becomes more interesting and curious and draws you to it like a magnet.
“Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything….” ~ Michael Singer
About ten years ago, I was on an elective fast for only 48 hours that was set up to be very supportive.
It was the first fast I had done with loving intention, ever.
It was also the first fast I had been a part of in 20 years. I had put fasting or starving myself down. I had ended denying my hungers and stopped the swing between gorging desperately, and starving myself in punishment. I had vowed never to diet again, long ago.
My old beliefs when I was still living with eating wars rather than eating peace were these: being hungry is good, being full is bad.
I had stopped such black and white thinking….especially about feeding myself delicious, nourishing food.
But when I went on that fast, after so many years of making sure I didn’t enter the “fasting/denying/starving” zone….
….I discovered something surprising.
I was terrified. Sheer terror. I thought I was going to die!!
I saw what I could do with these beliefs….and found peace.
Being your regular ol’ self…you shine, shine your light
One of my favorite comments during the 3-day Year of Inquiry retreat last weekend was when a participant said, about me….
….”the thing I love about Grace is, well, unlike other teachers, I just can’t put her on a pedestal.“
On the inside, I had a big wide smiling feeling.
Because, strangely, this is what I always wanted from leaders, facilitators, teachers, guides and mentors. I wanted to know they were regular people, like me, and that I fit in with them.
That the gap wasn’t so far-reaching and impossible. That we’re all in this together, connected, sharing.
I wanted them to be approachable, open and real. I wanted me to b this, too.
And I wanted to know that Reality….
….a word for the force far bigger than all of us (you might like to use different words like God, Source, Mystery, Universe)….
….is who we all are.
Don’t get me wrong.
Throughout life, I have loved hearing truly amazing stories of change and healing, and miraculous occurrences in human lives, shifts of consciousness, the brilliance of what is possible….
….but something deep inside told me that I wasn’t going to be one of those outliers.
Even though I had extreme experiences, and hurt myself and others, and was very confused, and felt very broken and crazy sometimes….
….I knew I wasn’t ever going to be on the front page of the New York Times or go completely crazy or have a massive influence like Jesus Christ.
Well, never say never, right? (Because it’s not really up to me, turns out).
But somewhere along the way, I realized, if I keep trying to be like other incredible humans who have walked the earth before me, I won’t be this one, here.
The one who is apparently me.
All This….is for everyone.
Freedom is for anyone. Love and Joy is for anyone.
And I mean anyone.
The thing is, I really wanted to wake up and understand this mind, discover freedom, contribute to the world, and look around with an inherent joy and gratitude for being here….
….even though I was a mediocre, regular, normal sort of human being, who was only here for a short time in the big scheme of things.
Like most of the people in the bell curve.
Nothing special.
Who would you be without the belief you need to be bigger, better, more special, more unique? Who would you be without the thought that who you are is not enough, or too boring or mediocre, or too much like everyone else?
Who would you be without the thought that you need to raise a raucous and stand out and be noticed in a big way, or hide your flaws or do it right or become enlightened like Byron Katie or Adyashanti?
(And I love those guys, sooooo much).
I began to notice who I would be, without images of needing to change or improve or hide.
Very strange.
But without the thought of being anything different, or more, than being this human, I’d be feeling a life force, heart beating, lungs breathing, alive in something called a body, fast mind on task trying to figure everything out, images, imagination, encounters all happening simultaneously….
….stunned at what’s actually going on around here.
Awed at the movement, activity, aliveness.
No idea what’s happening. Part of the Great Hum.
Laughing.
“If you knew how important you are–and without the story you come to know it–you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World
We are all the same underneath, even if we’re all different.
Recently I was reading about ending depression through using mindfulness and awareness.
“Mindfulness” is a word that’s becoming quite popular and well-known. People are using mindfulness to not only end depression, but to heal addiction (like overeating, one of my favorite topics of healing) or work with anger, or heal anxiety.
When I first heard the word “mindfulness” I had images of a slow, thoughtful way of behaving or thinking….but I wasn’t really sure what else.
I thought a person being mindful was a person who was probably meditating with their eyes closed. Or someone moving very, very sloooooowly.
A “mindful” person would be someone considerate, not boisterous or loud, not surprising or sudden. And perhaps careful, serious, quiet.
It didn’t seem like being spontaneous, fast or funny fit into the “mindfulness” category exactly.
I almost felt like I was too much in my mind, truth be told. I wanted feel free, unfettered and alive.
It seemed like “mindfulness” would mean a whole lot of focus on…..well…..
…..the mind.
And we’re not always sure we like focusing on that thing, right?
Because the mind can be a bit whacky. Very fast, very busy. Not making much sense.
Even insane.
However, the funny thing is that as I look back on my experience of becoming a more and more peaceful person (wow, it’s really true) I see how giving the mind full attention changed my life experience entirely.
By actually looking at the nature of stressful thoughts, watching them, asking if they were true, and noticing the accompanying feelings, I began to have LESS activity in the mind.
It was awesome.
Who knew.
In his book Uncovering Happiness, Elisha Goldstein has a list of thoughts he calls NUTS.
Negative Unconscious Thoughts.
Another spiritual teacher Miranda McPherson calls them “egos greatest hits”.
These thoughts may be deep underlying thoughts that keep on repeating themselves in your head.
And it can be profound to question them, and imagine what it would be like to NOT have one. Or two. Or all of them.
Being mindful is giving your full attention to only one at a time. Just one is all that’s required.
And then asking the great questions:
Is it true? Are you 100% sure it’s true? How do you react when you’re thinking this kind of thought? Who would you be if you couldn’t even have this thought enter your mind? What if you turned the thought around to the exact opposite instead?
Now, before you read this list of NUTs….
….remember what you’re here for.
You’re here to be mindful of these sorts of thoughts.
You’re here to get the job done of investigating the truth of these kinds of thoughts. That’s probably why you’re reading this right now.
You’re interested in peace. Not war.
So see if any of these ring true for you, even sometimes.
If your answer is “yes” consider using your imagination to see what it might be like to not have these thoughts.
If you think this isn’t going to work and it’s stupid….
….this is another thought.
This does work. It’s real. It’s not stupid.
You are far greater and more infinite and full of joy than any of this thinking stuff.
Here’s the NUTS list.
Now go forth, and question!
I feel as though I’m up against the world.
I’m no good.
Why can’t I ever succeed?
No one understands me.
I’ve let people down.
I don’t think I can go on.
I wish I were a better person.
I’m so weak.
My life’s not going the way I want it to.
I’m so disappointed in myself.
Nothing feels good.
I can’t stand this.
I can’t get started.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I’m worthless.
I made a mistake.
There is something wrong with me.
I’m a loser.
I’m a failure.
My future is bleak.
It’s just not worth it.
I can’t finish anything.
Turn the ones you think around to the opposite.
See what it feels like when you do this. See if you can find genuine examples of this new opposite thought being genuinely true.
The world is supporting me.
I’m good.
I have succeeded some places, in others failed….and it doesn’t matter (in a good way).
Yesterday the 3-day Year of Inquiry retreat came to a close.
I loved having everyone in my cottage, making a comfortable circle in the cozy living room where I live.
It’s sooooo sweet to have the people on retreat look like they’re truly feeling my home is their home, leaving their things in piles on the floor, bringing their food for the fridge, making tea when they need it, saying “where’s the extra toilet paper”, curling up in a blanket on the front porch couch for a lunch time nap.
Pictures of each person in our gathering traipse across my mind right now with so much love in my heart.
The sweetness of their sincerity, their desire to look closely at this mind which thinks as it does, and has all its objections to various forms of reality.
Everyone is so dear, so beautiful. I love them, and their stories, too.
Someone asked at the end….
….”What do I do when that horrible self-doubt arises again? When that guilt or disappointment enters my thinking?”
What do I do when I don’t feel good next time, when I have a hard time again, or when something really bad happens?
The most simple answer is…well, you guessed it…
…Do The Work.
But here’s what happens when you’re open to doing The Work regularly.
It starts working you.
You may have heard Byron Katie say this phrase. It comes from her describing her own experience.
What does it mean?
That you don’t actually have to try so hard.
Like a stalled car in a ditch that’s getting pushed back up to the road….
….at the beginning, a group of people grunt and heave-ho to get the thing moving.
ONE – TWO – THREE – PUSH!!!
Everyone leans in with all their might, grabbing the door handles, shoving from the trunk, pushing against partially opened doors.
Maybe one person has to sit in the driver’s seat holding the steering wheel in the right direction so things don’t go too off course.
The wheels turn and the car moves ever so slightly forward one inch, then rolls back to its original position.
Everyone rests a moment.
Then again….ONE – TWO – THREE – PUSH!!!
This time the wheels slowly crank forward two inches, then three.
Everyone is juiced up because there’s some action, no matter how small and how tiny. Movement is happening.
Someone shouts….AGAIN!!!!! ONE – TWO – THREE!!!
Everyone heaves again.
Then you can feel it. The momentum grabs hold, the wheels turning, the car coming up the ditch and back onto the road.
Everyone shouts HURRAY!!! And jumps for joy!!
The Work moves the same way.
You question your beliefs about the world. You watch your mind spinning off in despair, depression, disappointment or anger.
But you keep questioning.
You do it with other people. You get people to facilitate you.
Is this true? What is going on? Who would I be, how would I feel, without this belief? Without this defense? Without this terror?
I shared with the group this past weekend something I experienced while doing The Work over time.
One day, something really difficult happened.
Very soon (within minutes, or maybe seconds) I had the sick feeling of being wrong, of being a disgusting awful person who made a terrible mistake and hurt someone else and was clueless and stupid.
But then right in the middle of these terrible shouting thoughts, and the feeling of heaviness, I had the thought “what if this is not true?”
What if I am not bad, wrong, a mistake, unworthy, guilty….right now?
What if this feeling is not based on reality?
Because I already knew, deep down, it wasn’t.
And suddenly, the feeling vanished of being a worthless piece of dung….
….and the thoughts themselves dissolved.
I actually can’t remember what the specific incident was, but the dark feeling that I made a mistake was gone.
If you keep practicing something….
….how can it not become part of your nature?
I figure, I had already been practicing the unquestioned I-Am-Shit thoughts many days of my life….
….I may as well practice questioning them instead.
As I practiced, I began to see the present moment and how amazing it often was.
The goodness, the quiet, the simplicity, the silence.
I began to see the innocence of all the people I ever met, and of reality, and how out of my hands this whole thing actually is….
….and I could see the innocence of whomever this Grace Bell is too.
“Can you see how the mind has a plan? Can you know you’ll be afraid in the future? The flowers are still sitting here. They didn’t move because they were afraid [pointing to a vase of flowers]….Like a little child, you believe things that frighten you.You live in a world that isn’t happening, and you trade grace, for that.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without your devastating, guilty or stressful thought?
Ask yourself over and over, and you begin to truly find out.
Without even trying. Because it’s bigger than your thinking, and it was there all along, before you ever had a thought about it.
