The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry with Grace Bell
Author: Grace Bell
Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with anxiety and heavy thinking, eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or said.
How you could prevent it next time. How you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.
This is not a friendly belief.
It produces tons of stress.
Therefore, it is also not a true thought.
Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open, surrendered, real.
Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. Also very stressful.
I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault.
I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.
“Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.” ~ Cheri Huber
Wow!
If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!
Wait….what?
But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people
who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?
There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again.
I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!
It seems easy if I’m to blame, and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?
Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight.
Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.
Curious, confused. But non-attacking.
And there’s something to that, there’s something lighter without blaming whether myself or someone else. Maybe a lot lighter.
“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you just are, and it’s all just fine.” ~ Cheri Huber
Even though I’m venturing away from home, I love being connected by email and internet.
If you wanted to see the really fantastic early-bird way to sign up for making monthly payments for Year of Inquiry then you have until Friday to for this special.
Don’t hesitate to ask me questions–I’ll shoot you a quick reply from the road. Or I guess from the sky, since that’s where I am right now.
What an amazing bunch of folks enrolling in YOI. I can’t wait to be with you in inquiry this year.
Here’s the webpage with all Year of Inquiry (YOI) information. Scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page to see the options for the early-bird payment plans. Whatever you’re choosing, fill your amount in manually. I’ll get back to you all soon with the entire scoop and details for YOI….How the calls work, how to dial-in, what to expect.
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Yesterday was pretty funny.
The plans are to be packed and ready to leave at 6 am (earlier this very morning).
It was mid-afternoon.
I go into the bathroom and notice water in the tub.
No one’s been in there for a few hours. Why is there water in the tub?
I clean out the drain catcher thingie and go to answer the phone and get distracted.
The laundry is running, the washing machine going strong into its third load since early in the morning.
Back in the bathroom at some point, maybe 30 minutes later, my husband notices water in the tub, only it’s kind of blue colored, and 3 inches.
Like the color of a load of jeans being washed in the washing machine by my daughter.
Yes. The washing machine, bathroom sink and tub are all backed up with some kind of hair ball most likely….but in any case, a plugged drain.
After three calls to local plumbers (no one can come the same day) we call Roto Rooter which rings in my ear from childhood. They come the same day, right?
Yes. For $400.
Which we pay. The man is very nice. By 5:00 pm he’s gone, and the bathroom is a super mess.
I go to the car wash (someone is using my car while we’re gone) with my daughter and vacuum out my vehicle. Then daughter needs feminine supplies at the store. Then son needs an ace bandage for his sore ankle. Then we need extra copy of key into house since guests are staying here. Then emails need to be answered.
Then the woman who’s going to come clean the cottage between guests calls and says “I don’t know how to get in.”
Right. Getting said key to her.
Later, 1:00 am, it’s lights out until the alarm goes off at 5:00 am.
When times are fast, moving, flowing quickly, I sometimes notice tiny flare-ups within, like little miniature blow torches saying “no, don’t ask me that one more time” or “clean up your dish, I just got the counter cleared off” or “no I do not know the seat assignments for the return trip” or “maybe not taking all three (of those 2-inch thick hard cover books that make a trilogy you must read while we’re away)”.
It’s a funny kind of snappy attention, not light and fluffy attention.
I’ve still got it now.
The guy sitting next to me on this flight has elbows jutting into MY SIDE OF THE SEAT!
Can’t you lean towards the aisle just a little? Or how about not hogging the entire arm rest?!
Writing this makes me laugh.
This kind of moment actually comes from a feeling of being interrupted, imposed on.
But that feeling I notice usually comes out of a slight (or big) feeling of nervousness, heightened attention, beliefs like the following (that actually lurk below the surface of all the busy-ness of getting ready for something):
something could go wrong
we could miss the airplane, we could miss something important, we could miss a good time ahead….we could miss
Both involve either the future, or the past.
Not the present.
The mind will worry…..OMG if I only attend to the present, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.
This would be terrible. I must be alert, I must be attentive, success is up to me!!
Something could go wrong, and I am the one to prevent that from happening.
This can be bizarrely, obsessively stressful.
Let’s inquire!
Is it true?
Hmmm.
I suppose something could go “wrong” but only if you believe that it’s “wrong” to miss a plane, be late, lose an important item, have no money, get too tired, have an accident, die, get sick, become confused, lose your way, be in a bad mood, feel fear, etc.
Can I prevent anything from happening that’s going to happen?
No.
Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.
It basically does not directly come from me, because of me, at me, to me.
There are far greater forces and interconnections and interplays and mysterious dances happening here than I could ever know.
THIS part I know….that I don’t really know.
So, no.
It is not absolutely 100% true that something terrible could happen, or that I could prevent it.
Like, waaaaaay not absolutely true.
Who would I be without the belief that something troubling could happen?
Suddenly laughing about All This.
Entertained. Watching the little body and little mind do its little part, but aware of a huge wild adventure going on.
And aware, in this moment as I truly enter who I would be without a stressful thought right now, neighbor leans to the other side, takes arm off armrest jutting into my side of the seat space, and everything relaxes all around me in every direction.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie
Do I like this moment?
What can I find to like about it?
What can you find to like about your moment, where you are right now?
Cream-colored pull-down airplane tray table, sun beaming through window, two large men on either side of me about the same size, with big beautiful hands (one set dark chocolate brown, one set light brown, beautiful colors) and wide thumbs, two men looking at tablets and playing games, a low friendly hum of engine motor, people asking if I want something to drink, flying through the air in a little metal tube that will actually beam a message out from this machine called a computer, to you.
This message, then, truly comes from far in the sky.
And I have nothing to do with it except I appear to be a part of the process, the flow, the energy, the unfolding.
What a gift.
“The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul.
Yesterday was prep day for leaving on a very long journey. I’ll be traveling with my two young adult children ages 21 and 18 and my husband.
It will take many hours to reach our destination. We’ll be a long way from home.
I decided to start some of the heavy preparation two days ahead of time.
I made sure my schedule remained clear starting three weeks ago. No clients, no meetings, no classes.
A Monday of cleaning, moving clothes out of my drawers so the people staying here can make themselves comfortable, tidying up.
I ask my kids to work with me on household preparations from noon until 6 pm when their dad will pick them up for an evening out, before they leave town for almost three weeks of not seeing him at all.
Everyone’s doing their thing.
Husband is out making copies of the house key for our visitors. I’m at Rite Aid buying melatonin, dishwashing soap for the cupboard at home, travel shampoo.
My daughter is totally inspired and cleaning all the food cupboards in the kitchen, throwing away old items, washing the surfaces, organizing the canned goods (it was kind of stunning….this kind of thing has been happening for awhile from her).
I’m running a load of dishes, and vacuuming out my car.
Then I decide to locate the passports and put them on my dresser.
My son’s isn’t in the usual place, with mine and my daughters.
“Hey Benj?! You got your passport handy?”
He calls from his bedroom.
“What, mom?”
“Passport!”
Pause.
Pause.
“Oh. It’s in my safe. Up at school. In my new apartment.”
Aw jeez.
It’s not a huge emergency or anything. It takes about an hour and a half to drive there. But it’s critical, you know? He can’t leave the country without his passport.
In the old days, before The Work, I might have snapped at him. “Why didn’t you think of this before?! Huh?!”
Instead, I notice the flare of realizing, and then the wave calms down.
But I say “You need to drive up there today. Not tomorrow. It’s too important.”
I send his dad a text.
The way it all comes together is my son, his dad, and my daughter are all driving north to where my son will be attending his senior year in college starting next month. This is their new plan for the evening.
My plans aren’t different at all.
House is empty, I’m writing, I’m eating leftovers out of the fridge, I’m sitting on the front porch couch enjoying the gorgeous summer evening.
But I have a thought…..my son is going to space out of everything, he’d lose his own head if it wasn’t connected to his body, he’s soooo chill he’s going to fall asleep while standing, I need to talk with him about how often he smokes pot (doesn’t that make people slow?) and how funny he’s the one I have to worry about rather than my daughter.
Click.
That thought.
“He’s the one I have to worry about.”
It’s stressful!
I have to worry about him, is that true?
No.
Last night, the whole change of plans just fell into place without any uproar. My son, my daughter, their dad…all hopped in a car and ventured off to their evening project: get the passport and eat rare road-trip food along the way.
Who would I be without the belief I have to worry about my son?
Noticing I don’t.
He’s having his own life, and there are minutes, hours, days, and weeks where he handles it. Beautifully.
He’s the most kind, genuine person. He’s loving, easy-going, articulate, and authentically gentle and very smart.
But what if this was not his experience, and he was hurting. Or on the street. Or disappeared like someone’s son I did The Work with (presumably using meth).
Who would you be without the belief you have to worry about someone you love?
Look around.
Wow.
This doesn’t mean don’t speak with that person you care about so much.
Tell the truth, be honest.
“Tell me what it’s like for you when it comes to thinking about getting a job, or finishing school this next year, or what you like about smoking pot.”
It’s not about fading into the background or staying quiet about what you really care about.
Which is my kid.
I turn the thought around: I’m the one I have to worry about, especially when it comes to my son.
Yes.
You know what the origin of the word “worry” is, or where it comes from?
It is from “wyrgan” which means strangle.
Which so reminds me of Not Speaking.
If you have a son or daughter or person in your life who you are strangling yourself from speaking to, or speaking about, or you’re feeling mute, and strangled from saying what you really need and want to say…..
…..then speak.
I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.
I’m spending 3 weeks with him, every day, and we are talking.
No doubt about it.
“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie
For those of you asking about early-bird payment plan, you are correct there was no option for this on the Year of Inquiry information page. None.
I completely forgot it.
Since this option hasn’t been anywhere in sight (we’ll talk about me as a non-detail person another time) click here, scroll down to the very bottom of the page where the payment plan option are listed, and you’ll see early-bird payment plans added for YOI.
Because I didn’t even have them posted until late last night, these early bird plans are available until Friday.
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Your thoughts of chaos and suffering were not created by you, but you can imagine who you would be without them
I know I’ve been constantly mentioning Year of Inquiry, but there are other very, very powerful events happening around me, too.
The serious illness of a dear friend, a long-awaited journey to the place I was born (I leave Wednesday), reuniting with two important friends with whom I lost touch, and facilitating people on incredibly deep stressful beliefs about love, longings, and death.
Sometimes, when you sit with others who are facing huge change, loss, or who are very frightened, like my friend who is very sick….
….there is nothing to do but be.
Who am I, without the story I’m telling? Without the thoughts I am thinking? Without needing to do anything?
Without the fear being all there is, whether fear of dying, or fear of the terrible pain my friend is going through right now, or fear of the temporariness of this life?
Who would you be?
Who are you, without your stressful beliefs?
I notice as I spend time with my friend today who is so very sick, and feel the sun on my face, and later hear my daughter telling me about her weekend away with two friends.
Here, there is space.
Here in this moment, a red flowered rug, two glowing computer screens, a light over a kitchen sink, a candle flame in a glass jar, an empty water glass, a pair of blue flip-flops, a scrap of ragged white paper on the floor, a young man called a “son” walking through the room with two fat library books in hands, a spider moving slowly around a web in the ceiling corner, and thoughts of my friend.
Here. Sometimes, with a breaking heart.
“This is about realization, not about changing anything. The world is as you perceive it to be. For me, clarity is a word for beauty. It’s what I am. And when I’m clear, I see only beauty. Nothing else is possible. I am mind perceiving my thoughts, and everything unfolds from that, as if it were a new solar system pouring itself out in its delight…..
….So you don’t drop your thoughts of chaos and suffering out there in the apparent world. You can’t drop them, because you didn’t make them in the first place. But when you meet your thoughts with understanding, the world changes. It has to change, because the projector of the entire world is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Here, I notice even with a breaking heart, and a temporary human life, and my friend’s beautiful eyes who I looked into today as she felt terrible physical pain and enormous courage….
….I love this place, even though it is so heart-breaking sometimes.
That’s who I am without completely believing the stressful thoughts.
People have written, called, emailed…..and one lovely woman in a rain-covered jacket knocked on my door yesterday, in person, to hand me her registration for Year of Inquiry.
I love this.
How sweet to connect with others this way.
I was reflecting last night on the words “deadline” and “early-bird”.
So boring really. Frequently used when people are offering things for purchase or registration or sale or trade for some kind of financial number.
I suddenly remembered the etymology (the origin) of the word deadline. I looked it up a couple of years ago.
What a drastic word, right?
It was invented during the Civil War in the United States, around 1864, when guards were instructed to shoot and kill anything that moved over a do-not-cross line. Prisoners trying to escape.
Hmmmm.
This is not the intention, energy, feeling or sentiment within me when it comes to saying today is the day to make a decision (in this case about Year of Inquiry, although you might have another kind of decision in your life that you call “deadline”).
Will it mean the death of your opportunity, if you don’t decide on yes or no right now?
Unlikely.
I used to feel dreadful about decisions. Agonizing about them. Making lists of pros and cons. Thinking about the risk, the loss, the gain, the advantage, the future.
But sometime after I found The Work and self-inquiry, I heard Byron Katie talking about the concept “I need to make a decision.”
And how it wasn’t true.
Then I heard Adyashanti (another favorite teacher I’ve spent time with) and HE questioned the concept “I need to make a decision.”
And how it wasn’t true.
I wrote down this concept so it was right in front of me in words.
Because I thought at the time, almost ten years ago, that I needed to make a decision about the request from my then-husband about whether or not to get divorced.
Then I did The Work, rather than “try” to make a decision.
Who would I be without the belief “I have to make this decision” or “I need to” or “I must”?
So much lighter. So much more natural.
Noticing I felt worried, but I just plain did not know yet.
Turning this concept around to try it on the opposite way…..“I do NOT need to make a decision”.
I kept noticing how this was also true, more true.
Despite those advisors who suggest “not making a decision IS a decision” (say this in a slightly parrot-like voice for effect).
Whatever.
I notice, if it’s right for me (even if it feels scary or sad or mixed) then at the fork in the road, I turn right. It it’s left for me, I turn left.
If I really don’t know, I sit down at the fork in the road and stay awhile, until something moves me.
I find without the thought that a decision needs to be made, in my own business work when organizing and creating Year of Inquiry, a much more spacious, moving, open……even feminine way of gathering a group to join together appears.
It’s powerful, and mysterious and unknown as well.
Powerful does not mean lazer-focused and sharp like a sword.
Or deadly like a deadline.
I have done The Work on business practices and what you are “supposed” to do when you provide a service for others, and what practices should look like (based on recommendations by business experts) when you’re running a business.
They are just not always true.
Who would you be today without the belief that you need to know right now what to do, in any situation presenting itself in your life as an invitation?
If you don’t know, you can wait. Mull. Reach out. Have a conversation. Mull again. Analyze. Jump!
My favorite turnaround of all when it comes to stressful beliefs about decisions is this one: A decision needs to make me.
I notice the direction my joy travels. I watch the way my pleasure moves. I open up to what is happening right here, now.
I trust that what is best for me, the highest good, is unfolding perfectly, in the right timing for me, for you, for the world.
“You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want…..You can’t have an up without a down. You can’t have a left without a right. This is duality. If you have a problem, you must already have a solution. The question is, Do you really want the solution, or do you want to perpetuate the problem? The solution is always there. The Work can help you find it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you want to investigate a problem, a decision, your solution, your life, your mind….I am here as a facilitator for your work, which becomes our work and my work.
And if you’re signing up for Year of Inquiry, or another 8 week class (scheduling soon) or the new business building class I will be starting this year (also to be determined when)…..
….your work becomes the group’s work, and others also support you in your enlightenment.
You can sign up for Year of Inquiry here, and remember if you need more time to gather your thoughts and discover your own decision, that is the way of it, the way it is.
Nothing will die.
Until it does.
starting in September
Retreat: September 25-27, 2015, here in Seattle (we start 9:30 am Friday and end 5 pm on Sunday).
If you’re doing telesessions only, the first week begins Tuesday, September 8th.
Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle
Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only
If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if this is the work you want to do.
I’m so excited to see who is enrolling in Year of Inquiry.
I feel like I’m meeting the remarkable group who will be joining me for an intimate year in looking into reality.
We’re interested in seeing what is really true, and what isn’t, and practicing using imagination and awareness of what is present to see more clearly.
Recently in a group I was facilitating something happened which happens ALL THE TIME.
An inquirer read her worksheet in our telesession and we began to do The Work.
I asked her the four questions, starting with “Is it true?” (I love that question).
Everyone who could relate closely to this very same stressful thinking shared their own experience, and when we got to the turnarounds, the woman who started the inquiry on her stressful situation was stumped.
“I have no idea how I could turn this thought around, I can’t find an example.”
I asked everyone on the call if they could find anything, an example that might fit.
Someone found an example from a friend’s life.
Then someone else found another example from their own life.
Someone else then said they had an example that she could find that might work for the inquirer’s life, based on what the inquirer had shared about her situation.
When we were done investigating and looking at all the turnarounds, the person who had started with her terribly stressful situation, her worksheet, her despair…..
…..shared the thing that happens all the time.
“I would have never found these possibilities, if it had not been for all of you on this call. Thank you soooooo much. I think I’ve made a crack in this belief system. I can see how closed I was to any other option. I really couldn’t have done this on my own, sitting here doing The Work by myself in my living room.”
I can relate.
When I was doing The Work by myself, I wanted to hit the road doing something else ASAP.
Just whiz by and feel lighter.
The last thing I wanted to do was sit with something agonizing, or horrible, or sad.
This morning an inquirer who has been in Year of Inquiry for the entire year (we were all saying goodbye this morning) shared that she was woken up at 7 am by a phone call from work, asking that she respond immediately.
(It involved someone speaking Russian with such a thick accent, she could barely understand the request).
She did all she could for her job, but then said…..
……”Excuse me now, I have an important meeting on the phone.”
Our YOI call.
She shared with us how she’s learned that inquiry is top priority, her most important work.
It trumps everything else.
She shared that even if she wanted to keep working and handle that apparently critical issue, it was more critical that she was here, with us on our phone call.
The most important thing I do in my life is question my stressful thinking.
Only this changes my suffering, in the most efficient, direct way.
Yes, hard things still happen.
Scary, sad, surprising things. Things I sometimes think I can’t handle.
But with inquiry, I understand it is the way of it.
I am a human being having a life, feeling what its like to be a truly free human.
Knowing this in the end…..that all is very well indeed, no matter what I’m thinking.
Because I don’t have to believe everything I think.
It’s all going the way it goes, anyway, no matter what I think, right? I may as well enjoy the ride.
If you’re joining Year of Inquiry, you’re in for a treat (I sure am).
Tomorrow’s the early-bird registration deadline. I know a lot of you are about to say “yes” and I am so honored. I bring my deepest love, creativity and ever-evolving way of working with mind to this new year.
It will be a good one. We’ll do new things, we’ll try new ways.
Below are buttons to sign up for 2015-2016 Year of Inquiry (sorry for those of you who have been trying on my web page). Hopefully this makes it easier! I’m a goofball with the links sometimes!
If you’re new and haven’t yet filled out the Q & A application form, so I can get to know you, please do so right here.
And welcome aboard.
Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle
Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only
If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if at all possible.
Romeo and Juliet is one of my absolute favorites of all time for showing the insanity of all that happens between family, society and “falling in love.”
I got to play Juliet in college.
I must confess, it just seemed so natural. Gosh. Heh heh.
Could it be I shared some of the exact same thoughts as Juliet?
About mothers and fathers, social norms, young men, love relationships, and commitment or marriage?
Yes.
I even fell in love with Romeo in rehearsals and performances.
(OK, that was weird. I just googled Romeo and saw the same face of that man I knew over thirty years ago in such an intimate way for a short time, playing opposite him on stage).
Isn’t it funny how you can not only bring to life past romantic moments with lovers or partners, you can instantly see pictures of them on your laptop?
And when there’s angst, heartbreak, loss, melancholy nostalgia or sadness…..
…..it’s a great time to explore, with inquiry, and see what it is you really thought, or still think, to be true.
In Year of Inquiry we look at romantic relationships during month 6.
Initially, some people might think “I’m fine in my relationship. Nothing upsetting. It’s not really that disturbing” or others might think “I don’t have a relationship at all, that’s the trouble!”
The thing is, it doesn’t matter what’s happening currently in your life around romance or love (or lack of it).
If something is stressful, even a memory, it’s worthy of inquiry.
Several years ago, a friend of mine was having a terrible time trying to decide about breaking up with her boyfriend of a couple of years.
I asked her, what’s the worst that could happen?
She replied that she might in the future feel regret, and lonely, and she would hurt her partner very badly (if she left).
Or….she could feel trapped, bored, and hurt by her partner (if she stayed).
One of the best things to do with either stressful scenario is to deeply inquire into each of these, one at a time.
Really picture that situation you’re anticipating in the future.
Alone and lost at sea, single, empty, calloused, having to date again.
Old and stuck, bored, tolerating, saying yes or no to things you don’t really want to say yes or no to.
You can also make it extremely easy on your process of inquiry, and simply go back in time to the one that got away, or the terrible commotion that happened in that moment in the past with that difficult relationship.
Like I just did….as I conjured up the memory again, so clear in my mind, enhanced by the google.
I’m back in college, my second month on campus as a freshman.
Even though I was frightened to leave home, when I arrived on campus something moved that aside. I redirected all that fear about parting from my family into trying everything completely different.
I auditioned for the play, and got the lead female role.
Now, I was at the man’s house who played Romeo.
He’s brilliant. So are his roommates. We’re all sitting around a big table set with plates, glasses, baskets of bread, a huge bowl of salad.
Several of them have cooked a fabulous pasta meal. There’s a big discussion happening about the political stance of a small foreign country, and I know absolutely nothing about it. I’m not even sure where the country is.
I feel like a dunce. Innocent, naive, my first 2 months away from home ever. I’m floundering in my new classes. I used to get A’s in high school without trying, I’m in shock by the work load of college. Every day I’m rehearsing the play. I love it so much, it’s better than any class.
Everyone’s drinking wine.
I feel so much younger than this crowd. Like there is an age difference of a decade, not 4 or 5 years.
Romeo is 24. He took a gap year. He’s so worldly and experienced and articulate…..I’m just so, so, so out of my familiar comfort zone.
If I had a comfort zone. Which is very debatable.
Fast forward to the day after the fabulous cast party after the final night of performances.
It was like a giddy “high” of joyful energy for months.
But something shifted for me after the show was over. I could already feel it change, beginning the very next day.
The realities of being here in college, having big papers to write, needing to concentrate and get my grades up, pull it together and get serious.
Romeo started to seem less…..well…..easy to be around.
I felt too shy, anxious, young by comparison. Like I just couldn’t be comfortable, I couldn’t really be me. And he was graduating and leaving in 5 months.
I just couldn’t be there, in a genuine “relationship”. It was easier on stage.
He called.
He left messages.
He dropped by and left notes at my dorm.
I avoided him.
I didn’t call back.
I remember that time as being so nervous. So full of the thoughts “I am not good enough” and “I am too young” and “he’s more advanced than me” or “if he really knew me, he’d ditch me in five seconds”.
Who would I be without the thought he was too brilliant for me, too old, too smart, too together, too hip and cool, too about-to-leave town?
I might have shared what I really felt rather than trying to hide it or alter it or smash it into a ball in the center of my gut.
I would have felt so much more comfortable, relaxed. I might have noticed my preference was to connect and have conversations with the other girls in my dorm, most of whom were 18, and take it easy with dating.
I might have been open to getting together but I would have said “no” to invitations I didn’t want and “yes” to others, instead of throwing away ALL the invitations.
Way back then, so many years ago, I can find turnarounds to the concepts which placed him as better, me as worse, him as someone to compare myself to at all.
Turning my feelings and thoughts around: We are two different people, who just had a fantastic time in the same play. I can speak up for what I really want, without being terrified of hurting him, or hurting myself.
I am good enough, I’m just the right age (and so is he), he’s not more advanced than me, maybe what’s actually happening is if I really knew myself in this moment, I’d ditch myself in 5 seconds.
Because that’s exactly what I was doing.
Ditching myself.
Thinking of myself as small, timid, failing, and “off”.
I can so see now, without the thought that I’m doing anything wrong, or that anything about me is not good enough, I’m free to be me and Romeo comes or goes….because he is free, too.
“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace. Romantic love is the story of how you need another person to complete you. It’s an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I need no one to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone completes me.” ~ Byron Katie
Back when I was 18, it seemed much easier to be alone than to have my human flaws and fears discovered by another person.
Fear of being criticized or abandoned kept me from being freely myself.
Fear of being rejected if I expressed the truth kept me from being freely myself.
Fear of being truly known by someone kept me from being freely myself.
Remembering that wonderful, short and fascinating little love affair and exciting leaving-home story….
….I feel compassion for my shy inner self, today.
After The Work today, on something so long ago, I feel a tender appreciation for the brief connection with a very kind, very intelligent and articulate, very handsome, very passionate young man, who I really knew very little about.
I notice he’s accomplished a great deal in his life, according to the internet, and married a famous actress.
But without the story that I am smaller, or not as much, or less than, or not so important….
….what a fun, fun, entertaining movie.
And if I want to live the turnaround…..
…..being an open, free, fearless, loving woman…..
…..I can practice what that might look like, keep connecting honestly with others, tell the truth, and keep doing The Work.
If you’re inspired to unravel old stories you may not even remember as stressful until you google, join us for a Year of Inquiry.
We dive into a new topic every month, considering our beliefs, investigating the situations that held up these beliefs, unraveling our proof of truth.
Then, we have so many more possibilities available.
Soooo exciting.
(Early bird registration deadline is tomorrow 8/15). Read about YOI HERE. You can sign up on this page, too.
During the time 8-10 years ago when I was going through separation from my 15 year marriage, followed by divorce, I felt so lost and anxious.
I was questioning my thinking, meditating daily, and had great tools for finding support.
But I had a very hard time sleeping, and my thoughts would stir up a whole line of thinking about what I should do, could do, need to do.
I felt frantic. It seemed like my very survival was at stake. I could lose my home, my possessions, my stability (I already was).
And then a very dear friend texted me something.
She and I had many conversations about possibilities, and “doing” things and getting some sense of relaxation in my thoughts and prospects for work, and housing, money, security, or new love…..
By popular request, I’m putting Friday Year of Inquiry calls into the schedule.
I love when people ask for what they really want and need.
The calls for YOI are set for Tuesdays 5 pm, Weds noon, Thursdays 9 am, and Fridays 10 am. All Pacific time. You choose to attend all or one, listen to recordings, participate live, whatever works best for you. Early bird rate if you enroll by Saturday. Write if you have any concerns or questions.
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Thoughts about Goodbye? Write them down. Question them.
I have something to tell you that I haven’t mentioned it much.
Or, at all.
I’m going on vacation, and I mean completely on vacation with no cell phone access or regular computer access (I’ll check emails a little) and not much writing.
I leave on August 19 and am gone until September 7.
While I’m away, some of the most popular Grace Notes will be sent, but you’ll notice a lot fewer notes from me in your Inbox for a few weeks.
The upcoming absence of communication reminds me of interesting ideas in human relating.
What happens when you have less communicating than before with someone you really care about?
My first close friend outside of my family was age 7-8. My family had moved from England to Kansas.
I made a great friend that year. Second grade. We spent tons of times at each other’s homes and saw each other every day at school.
Then my family moved away permanently.
When you’re eight, you don’t really communicate or relate with writing, phone calls (at least I sure didn’t) or any other way besides in-person direct contact.
So if your caregivers pack up everything and head thousands of miles away….
….that friendship is pretty much over.
Looking back at my first experience of friendship change, I can see where my mind went down some stressful alleys.
I’m lost, there’s no one else, no one else knows me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him, we have inside jokes that can’t be replicated anywhere, together is bliss, apart is scary, life is dull without “x”, I have to memorize and never, ever forget her address, there will never be another one like her/him/them.
These thoughts don’t seem just for kids, have you noticed?
The stressed mind, so childlike and innocent, starts in on these kinds of thoughts when you’re getting divorced, or your neighbors are moving away, and you’ve been an adult for years!
Poetry, epic novels, matters of life and death, honor, love, meaning all come out of the pain of relationships coming and going.
So what is so stressful about contact being over, different, changed, or diminished?
OMG, what if I go away, and…..what?
How do you react when you think all those stressful thoughts, and you believe they are true?
For me, I’ve imagined I’ll feel lost, sad, empty, lonely.
I get frozen and I don’t make a move. I go back and forth trying to figure things out. I debate what’s right, what’s wrong. I breathe more shallowly. I feel tight and tense, or hurt. I might not reveal the complete truth. I’m careful. I make lists of pros and cons.
I imagine later on, in the future, feeling sad and regretful.
Who would you be without the belief that if I go away, it will be a bad thing?
In any way?
It’s almost hard to imagine.
Having memory, and images, so vivid in the mind, it’s hard to think that I could have these memories of people and not almost immediately think of the loss of this person.
But what if that was not 100% true?
What if there were wonderful things that could come out of lighter, less frequent communication, or going away, or leaving a relationship the way you know it, or adventuring on to something new and different?
Or even death?
One of the best ways to sit with turnarounds and allow them to fold around you like a comfortable blanket of awareness, is to see the actual times something changed in the past when relating with someone, and notice what good came of it.
You’re not trying to squelch out the grief, you’re just opening up to more…..and not zipping to “loss” so fast, the way the mind loves to do.
Here are some examples that I’ve found, as I look at people close to me who have disappeared, for all the various reasons this happens in life.
With my father’s death, I had to learn to stand up on my own two legs, and feel his voice inside my heart when I sought wisdom and clarity
With my family moving when I was eight, my whole world opened up to mixed races of people all around me, one of the best school teachers I’ve ever had in my life (Mr. Adams), and taking a thing called a bus to school
When it happened again (my new best friend Sarah moved thousands of miles away in 6th grade) I discovered yet another new best friend appeared, Kathy.
The friend who panicked with misunderstanding (or whatever went on over there) set me free from going to restaurants and bars I didn’t like much, and hearing the same unresolved stories about her husband over and over again
In my previous marriage, we no longer had conflicts about money or fear about who wasn’t getting a job (me)
With one man I dated, there were no more worries about who he was having sex with and where
With another man I loved, I could notice how much I also loved stability, quiet, lack of drama after he left.
I could list more.
Every single time a friendship has space in between, it is an invitation.
Speak the truth, allow the space to be as it is, see what else is available.
Without anger, panic, control, pushing, pulling, or being lost in, well, “loss”…..
…..you get to see what’s right here, in this moment now.
Silence.
And if you have a problem with silence…..
…..you may be thinking something that isn’t really true for you.
Turning all the thoughts around about communication change:
I’m found, there’s always someone else, I know me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him (of course you don’t!), I can have other jokes with other people, together is too tight, apart is exciting, life is exciting without “x” or without my thoughts, if I need to remember I will and if I don’t I won’t, there will always be love.
Last week I had an invitation that sounded fabulous.
Head down to the event in Millersylvania State Park campground south of Olympia, Washington (about 75 miles from my house) and join the group for the afternoon who were gathering to do The Work.
Several facilitators of The Work organized this and planned well.
Knowing I couldn’t be there, I hadn’t been closely involved….
….but learned I’d be not only welcome, but much appreciated, even if I came only for Friday afternoon.
I switched around my schedule, moved some things to Thursday, and hit the road before noon thinking I had plenty of time to arrive for their afternoon meeting.
And I waited in traffic.
And waited.
And inched forward at 5 miles per hour.
Then waited some more.
It took almost an hour to leave the boundaries of Seattle, the place I was traveling FROM.
But then, the freeway opened up, I looked at my watch, and thought OK then! Here we go!
No problem, I’ll still make it!
Until I hit the next large city.
And waited in traffic.
And waited.
And read overhead signs that said “thick congestion for the next ten miles”.
Tick tock.
I called my husband and had him look at the traffic report on his computer and the guess-timated time of arrival.
It put me arriving one hour later than originally planned.
Arrrggggghhhh.
So as I sat, and sat (I was also very hot, my car has no AC) here came the idea….
….turn around and go back home.
I felt hot, slow, tired, and late.
The next exit, I got off the freeway (at 2 miles per hour mind you), crawled across the overpass, and got back on the freeway, going the opposite direction……back home.
Now, this is a little stressful. It’s not fun for me telling people who are expecting me “nevermind, I’m not coming.”
But the real kicker stressful thought actually entered into my mind upon arrival back home.
After more sluggish traffic all the way back.
The voice sounded like this…..
“Why didn’t you just press on? What’s the big deal with a little traffic in your life once in awhile? Really? Your entire afternoon is cleared, it wouldn’t have been that bad being an hour late, you could have still stayed for dinner. What’s your freakin’ problem?”
Wow. I call it Decision Remorse.
It’s not unfamiliar, but honestly, I hadn’t had the experience in quite awhile.
I felt sad to be missing out! And self-critical!
The next morning, I awoke early.
“I can try again today. Even though I’m facilitating a dance class this morning, and I think my daughter needs me to buy some boots with her for our upcoming trip…..Yes, there’s still a chance. I can do it!”
But, I couldn’t really.
I would have had to clear my calendar all over again, including bumping my daughter AGAIN to the following day (which it turned out wouldn’t work, I soon discovered).
The stressy part was the feeling of being pulled in several directions at once.
All in my own mind.
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Fear of Disappointing Others (FODO).
Later, I knew what to do.
Question these concepts.
I’m missing out on something, is it true?
Yes. It’s absolutely true.
I’m missing out on a TON of things on planet earth right now, including the gathering of beautiful people in Millersylvania.
But who would I be without the belief this is a bad thing?
Whew. Way lighter.
Open to the present moment, no matter how mundane it looks (traffic on a freeway vs sitting in a group doing The Work, doesn’t matter).
Who would I also be without the belief it’s bad to disappoint someone?
Just following the simple directions, without over-analyzing them. Taking care of myself like a kind, dedicated, peaceful decision-maker.
Not thinking into someone else’s business (what will other people feel)? Not worrying that I’m doing something wrong.
Noticing, yes, it might have been not-so-hard to press on, during the heavy traffic moment….
….but for some reason, the next exit beckoned and said “turn around”.
Nothing terrible about that.
And even if I could have done The Work in that moment on traffic and lateness and COULD have found it didn’t matter and I COULD have continued on my merry way….
….NOW is what was happening, which was woman returned home, drank water, cooled off, lay down to rest, imagined her friends in Millersylvania State Park amongst the pine trees, while ready to do the next thing in front of her.
“You may find that you don’t need to navigate a future at all–that what appears now is all you’ve got, and even this is always immediately gone. And when you’ve stopped making war with reality, you ARE what changes, totally without control. That state of constant change is creation without limits–efficient, free, and beautiful beyond description.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.
