Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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When I believe they’ve hurt or threatened “me”….suffering in reality

First…a few upcoming events:
  • Thrilled that Breitenbush Retreat starts this Thursday night, and we have such a wonderful group coming together! The good people at Breitenbush may be able to squeeze you in if you want to attend. Call 503-854-3320.
  • First Friday is Second Friday in December 2018: Because I’m out of phone and internet service at Breitenbush, please join me for the monthly Friday open call on December 14th at 7:45-9:15 am PT. Everyone can walk through The Work on an important stressful relationship of your choice, from start to finish. Click here to join us (save this link). It’s free and donations accepted.
  • January 9-14, 2019 is the annual Eating Peace Retreat. A most profound immersion into inquiry and mindful eating, where you’ll experience peaceful eating with food of your choosing. It is possible for anyone to end their war with eating, food and the body, and enjoy life with all three. Read about it and sign up here. Lodging available for those wanting to stay onsite (3 rooms left).
  • Online Video/Telecourse (we’re using zoom): Divorce, Break-up, or Separation is Hell–Is It True? January 6-February 17, 2019 (no class 1/13) co-facilitated with Nadine Ferris France, certified facilitator of The Work. Can’t wait to teach this course again! This work made all the difference in the world to me 13 years ago.
  • March 22-24, 2019 I’m hosting with Tamami Fujiwara, (certified facilitator) Roxann Burroughs for Sit In The Fire, a weekend of emotional release work in combination with The Work. Mark your calendar (not taking reservations yet). It will be in a cool venue somewhere near-ish Seattle (all day Friday, Saturday, ending Sunday afternoon).

Speaking of relationships.

Some of the most confusing or painful, I’ve noticed, have been between me and those I’ve been romantically involved with or attracted to.

The other day….sigh, alas, deep breath….I received a card from an old flame.

My mind started chattering as I opened the envelope, a little adrenaline flurry moving through the chest. 

He’ll never stop popping up every few years. What is his problem? This is so old and over with, why does he make any effort? Hasn’t he moved on, for cryin’ out loud? REALLY?!

I had just been noticing a few hours before fetching the mail, that when we do The Work, we’re always relating.

I was noticing when I identify stressful thought, I see a relationship with me and another human being, a relationship between me and a substance like food or drink or tobacco, a relationship between me and money, a relationship between me and the place I work, a relationship between me and a body or ailment, a relationship between me and a member of the family, a relationship between me….and whatever reality presents itself in the moment.

I love how the mind sees in duality or multiples. There’s a me here, and another and another, and then multiple gazillions of infinite others: fence, car, road, cement, wind chime, dog, leg, mug, laptop, glasses, earring, man, letter.

And the surprising fun of it all is the very same mind that sees all this gorgeous variety and “other” and “me” can also answer questions about any of it, instead of simply assuming what it sees is the Truth.

So back to romantic relationships. They sometimes bring pain, it seems.

He abandoned me. She hurt me. He insulted me. She confused me. He betrayed me.

Is that true, what happened in that romantic interlude (whether 1 month, or 30 years)? Is it true that person’s behavior or actions aren’t supportive?

Is it true he’s clinging, or obsessive, or trying to get on my good side again, or can’t let go (as I read the card)?

Can you absolutely know it’s true he hurt you? She hurt you?

This is a good question to sit still with for a long time.

Can you know it’s the Truth for All Time, if you had to answer to the Great Universe, that the person you have in mind….hurt you? Or shouldn’t be sending you a letter in the mail?

You might say “yes”. It’s OK. There is no wrong way to answer this question.

How do you react when you believe what’s happening, including a letter arriving in the mail box, shouldn’t be?

I react by calling up the whole story from the past in literally 2 seconds, remembering snippets of what happened, telling myself a story again of what was–and how it wasn’t good.

Unfinished business. Believed story.

I react with thinking something’s unsafe here, as I open the envelope. Curiosity, worry, memories.

So who would I be without my story? Who would I be without remembering the story of tragedy, abandonment, sadness, grief, confusion, drama?

Who would I be if I wasn’t so sure there was a “me” back then who got dogged, or disappointed?

It doesn’t mean I go into denial in this moment here now, fake pretending everything’s fine, when it isn’t.

I get to notice how quiet it is, and how cozy in my little cottage as I open a letter–which is requesting a get-together. I get to notice what’s unfinished from the past that still feels painful, and feel compassion for myself and for this Other person reaching out.

Without my story, I also notice I have no idea what the other person is thinking.

Turning the thought around: My thinking is dangerous here. My thinking and stories are popping up all over again. My thinking is old, done with. My thinking is confused. My thinking hasn’t moved on. I’m hurting myself, with my thinking. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

In reality, nothing much happening. Simple card received in the mail.

How could it be a good thing, that relationship went the way it did?

Suddenly, feeling appreciation for the old stories, the images from the past. A sense of acceptance…without having to know why or why not, without needing it to have gone any other way than it did.

Noticing in the moment the beauty of the room I’m in, hands that open an envelope, pictures of a man’s face in my mind (from the past). Noticing feeling laughter around the story of that romance, and to myself most of all.

Noticing reality right now is very quiet, and I’m here with this, with myself.

Can I find good reasons that relationship did the dance it did?

Oh yes. It was a most marvelous teacher, the best I could have ever imagined for learning about true, honest unconditional love and mystery. It showed me how stories rise up and fall away, and reappear and fade once again, like waves.

In this moment, the stories of that relationship feel mysterious and without answers, and like the couch I’m sitting on is my closest companion, and except for in my thinking, I’m never alone.

“If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’, she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says, ‘I’m joining you’, she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me?…..The greatest gift you can give others is your realization that there is no self and no other.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Here I am noticing today, so much connection and joy with all the love I’ve had the privilege to experience with various humans, and how it’s always been kinder and more exciting than my thoughts about it.

If you want to join in the teleclass about relationship divorce, separation or break-up (no matter when it happened for you) then come discover the peace and excitement. Enroll here.

Much love,

Grace

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Deep abiding eating peace happens one step at a time, not by following Urgent Mind

Urgent Mind. It will scream “something needs to dramatically change RIGHT NOW!”

And maybe add in a few cuss words and demand that you go on a fast, yesterday, and quit your sick behavior with food.

It will threaten, cajole, condemn and criticize with grand viciousness.

Sometimes, speaking from personal experience, we really can make changes–for awhile at least–by listening to the Urgent Mind.

But that same urgency can also pop through when you have the idea to break the fast, or go off the diet, or get the food into your mouth.

QUICK! NOW! MOVE IT! EMERGENCY!

I never found it worked to follow Urgent Mind’s commands.

What to do instead? Slow down. Take micro steps.

Notice what is, notice what’s happening, and get support.

Today, I’m talking about the tiny but abiding voice of peace and kindness and yearning that’s within all of us.

It is possible to slow down, and not approach our relationship with eating and food, in this moment, as so horrendous and full of failure.

Watch below for more on this idea, and if you’re wanting to participate in the quiet practice of Slow Mind – Slow Eating, then come to the eating peace retreat.

Eating Peace Retreat is a profound ways to reset your relationship with food and eating….and your thinking.

It happens this upcoming year from January 9-14, 2019 beginning Weds evening and ending Monday morning, in Lake Forest Park, Washington (my home town).

Join me for an absolutely beautiful time in inquiry and peaceful, mindful eating, for every meal.

Strangely, our goal is not weight loss (although that can be a side effect) or thinness or pristine eating or health management (although, again, all these usually wind up happening as side effects).

Our goal, as a group of wild, wonderful, deep inquirers….is freedom.

Freedom from obsessing, freedom from managing, freedom from controlling, measuring, analyzing, criticizing, documenting, endlessly evaluating our eating and our food and our bodies.

Our intention is freedom from caring so very desperately about food and eating so that we become filled with Urgency and panic.

What I find, is as I have inquired, relaxed, accepted myself and followed my natural hunger and fullness….the fear has diminished, and dissolved.

You can come experience yourself with inquiry and peaceful eating for five whole days and start 2019 off by hitting the reset button on your approach to eating and food.

Instead of force, control, or fierce will, we discover trust, acceptance and love and the power of these to affect change in a most sincere and abiding way.

Sign up for the annual Eating Peace Retreat right here: https://eatingpeaceprocess.com/retreats/

Maximum 12 participants. If you would like to repeat the Eating Peace Retreat, I have a small coupon for you (please write for the code).

Our beautiful group assembles in a private elegant cozy January retreat house we have to ourselves. There are five bedrooms for those who wish to stay overnight (two are already taken). To read more details about the retreat before committing, visit this page here.

I’d be so honored to have you join us.

But honestly, from the bottom of my heart, you will ultimately find your own retreat within. As they say “the way in, is the way out.”

So even if you can’t come all the way to Lake Forest Park, Washington for eating peace retreat, you absolutely have access to a peace beyond your beliefs when it comes to eating.

“Hi Grace, I wanted to thank you for a wonderful retreat. It was life changing. The Work has been such an amazing tool in my life and to combine it with eating peace could not be more perfect. In my heart i feel it was the missing piece and exactly what I was hoping for when i signed up and more. I am so grateful and excited to practice eating peace in my daily life and continue to use The Work on my stressful thoughts around food and eating…Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your guidance, wisdom and teaching, it is such a great gift to share”.~ participant from New York

“Grace, As I returned home I can very clearly notice, that eating without silence and in rush now is not fun at all. I WANT to eat slowly and take a good care about myself. It is so loving and beautiful. I am happy to see I am again being aware of my thoughts about food and hunger and different kind of wanting. Grace I am very thankful to you for manifesting in my life and for bringing the inquiry about food and hunger. I really needed this retreat, I feel refreshed, stronger and more aware about my body and its real needs again. Thank you so much Grace, thank you for presenting your workshop in such a dignity, balanced and elegance way. It was for me a real honor and privilege to participate, observe and to learn from you”. ~ participant from Wisconsin

“The most peace I have ever felt in my life with food was at the Eating Peace Retreat.” ~ participant from Colorado

Much love,

Grace

 

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I am NOT this body, I AM this body–the dance of inquiry here, now!

Lately, I’ve been doing The Work with many people on this body.

It seems like it’s our personal vehicle, it takes us everywhere, it is a living contained organism that’s only ours, no one else’s, this body.

This body.

We’ll move out of it one day, appearing to leave the world (who knows for sure), perhaps having the chance to say goodbye (maybe or maybe not).

And yet, even with all this individuality and independence and solo journeying through life (and some of us enjoy it that way)….

….there’s nothing like gathering with others and sharing the process, the mystery, the stories, the tick-tock of time passing.

Something so very precious about noticing how very Not Alone we are.

There’s a chair, a wall, a rug on the floor. There’s a tiny spider lowering itself from the ceiling.

In my particular environment at the moment of writing these words, there are two other human beings sleeping behind closed doors in bedrooms, on this early morning.

Last night I gathered with eleven other people for a Full Moon circle. A medicine circle.

An important component or structure of this particular circle (as for many circles), every single time, is each person speaking with a talking stick. There may or may not be a topic. You can speak, or not speak. The one holding the stick has the floor, with no interruptions.

Just like on retreats in gatherings to inquire into our thoughts with others, sharing happens out loud. We come together and listen.

What struck me last night, as it has before, is how we don’t know what others will say…and we don’t even know what WE will say.

There can be planning, organizing thoughts, changing our minds, “deciding” on a topic, or no planning at all.

I believe I am the one sharing. This person I am, this voice, this mouth, this “me” with this body.

But I get surprised every time.

During this time of year, we’re moving into winter where I live. The season is growing dark and colder, all the leaves falling from the trees, the heater in the house whirring, a sweater coming on over the head upon rising out of bed.

At this time, I feel the deep contentment of sharing with others in these inquiry circles that appear to have come together with Year of Inquiry and Eating Peace Process, where we are simply, deeply, regularly moving into exploring What Is over and over again with the four questions.

We’re watching this magnificent mind (or, OK, this torturous mind), and sharing it in writing or out loud. We’re listening.

I notice the mind LOVES asking and answering questions. It likes searching for answers, it likes investigating and learning so much, and making natural shifts or adjustments out of asking whether or not something is really true.

I also notice the mind loves doing this with other people. Otherwise, it can go down worm holes and wild goose chases and side bars and mazes and perhaps get lost there for weeks (years) without a flashlight.

So back to the body inquiries I’ve been privileged to be a part of lately.

We all see how we’re assigned to this particular body, and then at least if you’re like me, I wind up believing “it’s mine” and then….I’m all alone, really.

It can sometimes be quite stressful.

How do I react when I believe I’m all on my own? Self-contained? Unique? Independent? By Myself? Special? The One with This Problem (physically, emotionally, relationally)?

I see myself as vulnerable and isolated. I feel nervous that “my” body is a unique organism or vehicle, especially if it has illness, or pain or something damaged, or by comparison it’s not as good as it once was in history, or not as good as other bodies I see.

I FEEL alone when I believe the thought I’m on my own.

So who would I be without this thought that I’m all on my own, self-contained, unique, independent, by myself, special, the One with this problem?

Relieved. Sharing. Connected to other humans. Putting myself in the company of others on purpose for sharing circles (even if my mind criticizes other people or things that happen there sometimes).

Without this story, I notice the cushions in the rooms so soft and available for support, and the four walls of the room standing strong for apparently many years, long before the body I seem to live in even existed.

Without this story I notice how this mind can open up to so much more than this body–it sees other visions, places, items in the environment. It gives attention to other people. It joins with things.

Turning the thought around: I am NOT all alone. I am surrounded, merged, connected. I get in a vehicle (which puts me in the company of a machine called a car) and drive to a gathering of people with a bright moon overhead in the night sky.

I am not all alone.

On telecalls almost every day, doing The Work, I share with people wondering about their behavior with food and eating, or with their thoughts, or with the people in their lives.

I read peoples’ words as they consider their minds, from their writing online, our questions, our puzzlement. I read their answers to the four questions….so dear. I hear the voices of a whole group on the phone gathered to study this human experience, together. I read other peoples’ comments in the Eating Peace group or the Year of Inquiry group and we’re together.

Turning around the thought again: My thinking is all alone.

Sure. The mind is running, just like my heart is beating. It’s doing its thing.

And the minute I connect with other beings to ponder an idea or a concept, this isn’t even true anymore.

What I notice is how often I have had the thought I’m all alone when the world seems threatening and I’m scared.

I never have been. Only the mind says so.

Otherwise, there’s stuff, mugs, tea, furniture, grass, trees, sky, activity, animals, sounds, humans, leg, arm, computer.

I notice the surprise of what comes out of the mouth when I’m in a sharing circle. So, even the words or this writing is not “mine”!

I have this body, it is “mine”—is it true?

Can I hold this contemplation with the deepest joy of mystery?

What if it’s a good thing that nothing belongs to me….not even this body, not even this mind?

I notice, there’s something very exciting about not being able to identify For Sure that this body, this thought, these words are “mine”….and yet still be here, noticing.

What a thrilling mystery.

“A man who knows that he is neither body
nor mind cannot be selfish, for he has nothing to be selfish for. Or, you may say, he is equally ‘selfish’ on behalf of everybody he meets; everybody’s welfare is his own. The feeling ‘I am the world, the world is myself’ becomes quite natural….

“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ~ Nisargadatta in I Am That

Today, I thank you for being here and reading these words.

I love you, being here in whatever way you are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your presence matters. How do I know? Because you’re here.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. In two weeks I’ll be at Breitenbush and my husband Jon will be in the retreat group with us all (he loves The Work). The forecast calls for very cold rain. Dark, cold, fresh, exquisite woods with cozy warm cabins, and optional hot springs soaking if you like, and a circle of wonderful investigating human beings all interested in looking at their stressful thinking. Dec. 6-9 (Thurs evening through Sunday lunch). Call to make your reservations 503-854-3320. Only a few spots left.

P.P.S. If you deeply desire to join one of the groups underway, there’s always room for those who want to share with others in inquiry. You could jump on the inquiry train. We’ll welcome you with open arms (in either eating peace or year of inquiry, if you have some experience in The Work). Hit reply to ask.

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When you think you only have two choices at a feast: gorge or vigilance, do this.

There’s a feast coming, a big event, a meal, a dinner, a soiree, a party.

Food will be there. In abundant quantities.

The way I always used to experience the feast, and the anticipation of it?

I’ll either white-knuckle control myself through it (and plan exactly what I’m going to eat beforehand)….OR….I’ll eat whatever I damn well please and gorge myself on whatever’s there.

There’s really another option besides these two.

We don’t have to fight a war.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax in the presence of food, or eating, or other people eating, or people?

What if you felt mixed feelings, and you could STILL relax?

What if ultimately, being at a feast is not a huge wild overwhelming problem?

“The mind is like a friend. It comes to be questioned…As the assumptions come in, we can question them. I can’t control my mind, but I can question it. It leaves me in a place of curiosity. I don’t have to worry about it. I love the noticing. I notice thoughts about the past, I notice thoughts about the future. It’s such a privilege to be aware. I notice images of the past, future. But they aren’t real. Noticing what’s real and what’s not, it leaves mind at home with itself. Noticing, noticing, noticing.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. My one retreat all year on eating peace. A life-changing event, to experience peace with eating for 5.5 days, and work with the mind. Jan 9-14, 2019. Out-of-town people can reserve a room at the retreat house.
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from a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step

Remember when I used to write a Grace Note every single day? It didn’t matter if I was traveling, in a different time zone, even teaching a retreat.

I always sat down and did The Work in writing often completing it before I went to sleep, and scheduled it to send a few hours later.

Then my thumbs started getting carpel tunnel, I’d miss or leave things to go write, I’d not get relaxing time with family.

So, the way of peace was to rest more, without so much activity.

We often think we have to do, do, do! Go, go, go! Push on! Keep up the good work! Don’t stop! Never stop working towards the goal! ACTION IS ALWAYS GOOD!

We all know what the usual ideas about “taking action” sound like.

Mind says: You need to get to that other place. The successful place. The place where you’ve achieved what you want to achieve.

That would be so great, right?

I’ll be happy when I get there.

I’ll have enough money. I’ll be the right size body. I’ll have a great relationship. I won’t have compulsions. I will have made it. I’ll be safe. I’ll be enlightened.

Until then….I can’t rest. And I can’t get no satisfaction.

I need to keep moving. Get that last thing “done” before I shut down for the night, so I’m ready to keep it going as soon as I wake up next morning.

Time for inquiry.

Think of just one “goal” you’d love to achieve. The project you want done. The success you’d love to call yours.

You need to get there in order to be happy—is that true?

I’m thinking of having money set aside for retirement and to pay medical bills or get support in old age.

Enough. There. Done.

I’d be happy. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

Many people right now in the Eating Peace program have had this thought about being the “right” weight. Being thin.

It seems true.

If I was the right size (the scale read the right numbers) or if I had whatever x amount of dollars or if my garage was cleaned out or if my health was perfect, or if I had a fabulous loving relationship, if my spouse changed, if my book was published, or if I found the spiritual answer I’ve been seeking….

….I’d be happy.

Is it 100% guaranteed for-all-time true?

Woah. Um.

Heh heh. I’m not sure.

I do notice this mind seems to find fault very quickly with What Is. It begins to wonder if there isn’t something more interesting over the next horizon?

In my particular situation considering the belief I’ll be happy if I have some money for retirement, I’ve worked with so many people–even those in the money course I offer in the new year annually–who have ample money for years worth of retirement.

And they still aren’t “happy”.

I can’t absolutely know that if I got what I think I want, I’d be happy or enjoying life without fear.

It doesn’t mean I won’t still get the thing. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea.

It’s just that putting all that happiness onto the achievement of this future hope, this future gain, this future ideal isn’t necessarily going to bring some state of happiness, or absence of fear, or complete peace.

So what happens when you believe the achievement of some goal means you’ll be happy?

Well, I work towards that goal like a worker bee without stopping. I don’t see the forest for the trees, only the one tree in front of me.

I hurt my own thumbs even though they’re getting stiff by writing too often.

I read piles of books about the topics I’m interested in. I hunt.

So who would you be without your belief that you must get “there” in order to be truly, fully happy?

Pause.

What if this was your last week on earth (in a good way–I’m not trying to scare you)?

My dear friend Carl died last year, just over a year ago. A year before he died, he felt he hadn’t achieved all the creative artist output he wanted to. He hadn’t put up a website he loved, and only had two successful gallery shows with his art. No agent signings with his music.

But as he moved towards death by cancer, he continued joyfully with his creative work with nothing holding him back. I never heard him say “I didn’t make it” even though some things did not happen for him. He was picking out his favorite website photos and the artwork in his last month of life.

I had the thought…..that could be me even if I’m 92 years old and an entire life lived….there would still be something I didn’t complete or finish.

And there would also be a ton I did.

Experiences, sharing, wondering, looking, being, doing, resting and taking action.

Who I’d be without the thought there’s some different alternative better way, that isn’t here yet, is peaceful.

I’d even be laughing.

Turning the story around:

You do NOT need to get to that other place in the imagination. This place here is a successful place. This place here is neither a successful nor failing place. There is no achievement by “me” in isolation.

Life is happening, and I’m a violin being played. I don’t seem to be a saxophone. Even if I Iike the sound of the saxophone, it’s not required to notice beauty, joy, grief, fullness of heart, noise, silence.

This place here, this moment, is a fine moment without my beliefs about it, or my beliefs about myself and what’s required for safety, security, love.

This place now, this moment now, has come to be….and it’s astonishing.

Now which place do you think is more likely to produce some kind of interesting activity, movement, or change:

The first orientation, where What Is, is not good enough? Or the place I see when I inquire…where What Is, is rather exciting, quiet, wondrous?

“From a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step. And sometimes the next step means taking no step at all, but falling deeply in love with where we are. This is NOT the same as giving up. This is not passivity or toleration of the ‘negative’. This is not the same as abandoning all hope of a better future. There is no abandonment here. This is not stagnation. This is not weakness. This is true courage. The willingness to slow down, be present, drink in all the richness – the joy and the sorrow, the doubt and the creativity – of the present scene.” ~ Jeff Foster

The more true turnaround is that my thinking isn’t “there” or “good enough” or “successful”.

It’s in the future, or the past, unsatisfied, worried, anxious.

But it’s just a thought.

Other than that, everything’s perfect.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re drawn to answering the four questions and finding turnarounds, and feeling the potential surprise at the other side of inquiry…there’s still space at Breitenbush Dec. 6-9 (Thurs evening through Sunday lunch). Call to make your reservations 503-854-3320.

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I can’t stop. Eating Peace Immersion begins this week.

So grateful for all those of you who came to the Eating Peace free webinar this past weekend.

As always, I think the last one went the best of all. Please enjoy the Breaking The Spells webinar right HERE.

And now, the new Eating Peace Immersion group gathers for the upcoming seven months to explore our inner stressful stories, being in loving support, un-hooking from internal violence or fear, and relaxing with what is.

In this Eating Peace Program, we’ll be diving for an entire month into each of these five modules, with pre-recorded lessons and practices addressing each one:

  • Module ONE: Breaking the Spells of Suffering with Food and Eating
  • Module TWO: Satisfied, Safe & Balanced–Whether Hungry or Full
  • Module THREE: Trauma to Triumph–Inquiry & Power
  • Module FOUR: Body Attack Cease-Fire
  • Module FIVE: Living in the Yum Zone

No, we’ll never be on facebook inside this program. The facebook group I’ve mentioned is a free group for anyone wanting to be in inquiry around compulsive or emotional eating. This program does NOT meet there. (Too distracting).

Every few days (and sometimes more often than that) a new lesson is released. It’s pre-recorded and created to follow along, building brick upon brick of practices and insights for our eating peace path. This is all about coming home, step by step on the yellow brick road, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

We’ll take approximately a month to walk through each “module” or topic, with our lessons and practices.

As we begin the program, you’ll share with me your vision for eating peace and the way of eating you prefer right now. It may be a more structured plan and it may be “eating 3 meals a day sitting down, with no x type of food” and it may be “eating between a 3 and 7 on the hunger scale”.

You sit with what works for you, keeping kindness, support and just the right amount of clarity and pleasure in mind.

From there, the focus when it comes to food itself is on when and where we have trouble with it. We get to investigate when it’s calling like a magnetic force, or when we find ourselves disturbed with what is, or what’s happened.

These moments are fabulous clues for looking closely at our minds, our thoughts, our feelings….and inquiring.

We begin to pull in other ingredients to our daily lives, like compassionate listening, partner work with others (if we choose) and of course our regular inquiry telecalls as a group. We sit in silent meditation (everyone begins with five minutes a day) or become curious about why we don’t want to sit?

A base foundation for eating peace is relaxing. How many times have you screamed at yourself? Has it worked?

Maybe for a day or two. The violent internal thinking never worked for me.

A remarkable part of this program is the level of live contact. You have the option to dial in, believe it or not, 5 days a week.

Three of our calls are for 30 minute meditations in inquiry on very common and profoundly stressful thoughts when it comes to eating, ourselves and our bodies or food. These three shorter inquiry meditations meet Mondays 4 pm PT, Wednesdays 9 am PT and Fridays at Noon PT.

Two of the calls (Tues 4 pm PT and Thurs 8 am PT) are longer 90 minute sessions addressing our topics and practices with Q & A and personal coaching, and inquiry if we have time.

Not everyone will attend the calls live, of course. But hopefully your schedule will make it possible to be on one of the longer 90 minute calls, and at least one of the short inquiry jams. They’re intentionally offered at a variety of times so your time zone or schedule works.

But the good news is, they are all recorded so even those who can’t make a thing, and if you actually prefer listening only….you’ll have them all on recording to use as a guided practice for your own learning.

As we move along through the days and weeks in the program, we become willing to fully feel our disturbed feelings and the places we’re compulsive. We become acutely aware.

We take a look at the images, rules, beliefs, ideas, fears we have about all this troubled eating, just one belief at a time (thank goodness, only one is required).

I’ve done this many times myself, and I’m still thrilled to enter such an inquiry practice. I get to apply and refine where I sense my own thinking wanting to move away from accepting powerfully What Is.

I notice a compulsion with over-working, for example.

My belief: I have to keep working, creating. Like a dog grabbing a bone or a monkey not being able to let go of the food with a tight fist.

I can’t stop.

Is it true?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Are you sure you won’t be safe if you stop? Are you sure you’re truly unable to stop?

Hmmm. No.

How do you react, what happens, when you believe you can’t stop?

I panic. I just do the thing (eat, smoke, drink, work). I ignore the disturbances within and press on. I resist.

Who would you be without this belief that you can’t stop?

WHAT?!?

You mean….

Yes. What if you didn’t know anything about stopping or not stopping in this moment, and you sat with this moment here now, not believing (thinking repetitively) over and over that you can’t?

Turning the thought around: I CAN stop. My thinking can’t stop–only my thinking. But I can. I don’t have to believe everything I think. I am able to sit still, even if my mind is yelling to keep working, or get something to eat, or starve myself even if I’m hungry.

I find this lighter, curious and fun. I become interested in testing out my ability and capacity for stopping, and for becoming a true explorer of this inner world.

An Eating Peace Explorer. Awesome.

The usual approach to this whole eating problem is to apply a technical fix around food management. Whenever I solved my eating problem this way, I spent more time thinking about food. Not less.

This inquiry work, using the powerful Work of Byron Katie, allows us to catch the movement towards compulsion, the habit of escape, avoidance, resistance.

When we see this quick-moving moment of focus on food or eating or weight-loss or self-criticism, we know to slow down, and sit with the discomfort. It’s there anyway. No amount of compulsive force will hide it forever.

Here’s the magical thing that happens, though, when we take a look, or even become willing to look at what troubles us: the usual pattern shifts.

Slightly in a tiny sliver of almost imperceptible change. Or, in a big lurching movement towards another view, and destination.

Who knows. The process moves in whatever way is just right, for you.

What I’ve found is we do not have to be controlled, or to follow, the directives of our unquestioned thoughts.

We can discover how to do less about food, or anything, and end the cycle.

As our life with self-inquiry unfolds, our life is touched by joyful, happy, balanced eating because our thoughts are no longer frightened, violent, confused or arguing with reality.

And even when we’re stressed, or scared….we do not have to turn to thoughts of food, dieting, or other obsessive behaviors (drinking, drugging, smoking, spending, buying, ruminating, fantasizing, using, planning, working, busying, cleaning, worrying) to address our troubles.

Wow.

The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?

Dorothy: Well, I think that it wasn’t enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em–it’s that, if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with!

What good news. We have not lost anything. We are not missing what it takes to completely heal our compulsions.

All we need to do is to inquire, and find our honest answers.

“If the mind depends on anything, it becomes the I-Know mind, and ego flailing around in apparent space and time, always trying to define itself, always trying to prove that is judgments are real, that its whole world is real. The mind’s only way out is in: the mind inside itself, Buddha-mind, responding to the illusion of a self. Once the illusion is questioned, it can no longer exist. It appears as inconsequential, funny, and completely insane.~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

If it’s right for you, I hope you’ll feel brave enough to take the journey in through the months ahead. We have five calls per week offered through April, then Tues/Thurs only through June.

Everyone in Eating Peace Program can participate for free in Summer Camp For The Mind (week day inquiry practice for 6-7 weeks in July and August for everyone and anyone in the world).

Everyone who joins has access for life.

You can sign up here. (Scroll down to see the payment options).

As far as I can tell, there’s not much to lose…..except your stressful stories from the mind trying to prove judgments about lack-of-success, eating, food, bodies, acceptance, love, approval and rest.

I’d rather question my thinking, and become the one who it no longer occurs to flail about (eat) in a frightening or irritating world.

“You either believe your thoughts, or you question them….there’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Let’s inquire, together.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Much love,
Grace

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Do you believe it’s impossible for you to be normal with food? You might want to question that.

I was deeply moved to receive this note the other day after someone watched the recording of the Eating Peace Webinar. The last live session is Sunday, November 11th at 10:00 am Pacific Time. It will surely be slightly different–I change things each time I do it:

“Grace, I have to say that this was the best understanding articulated on this topic ever! Does Byron Katie know what you have accomplished here? Magnificent, important, Rhodes Scholar work…and most helpful. Thank you so much.”

This work of eating peace in some ways has been my entire life’s work, because like Geneen Roth has said, it has been my doorway into understanding my sense of presence and awareness, and fear and agony about being alive.

Exploring our compulsion(s) is truly at a deep level the work of consciousness, the personal mind that believes it must be in control (or feels out of control), the way our perceptions move us to action, and what’s happening when we eat (or do anything) off balance.

There are so many approaches to healing our ways with eating.

We know something’s wrong. We usually believe it’s us.

We’re simply “addicts” or we’re too emotional or we’re trying hard to cope or we’re lazy or we’re rebellious.

This work of Eating Peace is for me about evolving. It’s about watching, wondering, and becoming the one who is in balance and at home with oneself.

Quite some time ago, a friend suggested to me that the dawning awareness and the end of compulsive eating behavior that I’m so passionate about studying, is like the journey of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve been thinking about this as I prepare for the new group who will travel together soon in the Eating Peace Immersion program.

Dorothy lives in black-and-white (not color) as an orphan on a farm in Kansas and a tornado comes along (disordered eating, craving, desire) and sweeps her away to another country full of sparkles and learning and frightening encounters and flying monkeys.

Through her journey she’s understanding the depths of her nature, including compulsion.

So today, I wanted to share a very key belief that you may have running, that’s really important to question:

If you’re interested in learning more about this immersion journey we’re about to take together, where a group will travel online, live to share in accessing peace with food, visit this page here.
Love to have you join me. Registration closes at Noon Pacific Time on Tuesday, November 14th.
I Feel An Indescribable Peace
“What’s been happening for me since the EPP course ended is that my inner mentor has been coming forward more and is now ready to be fully in charge. I’ve realized that the compassionate advisor is my own inner mentor and she’s the one that shows up during the work for “who would you be without the thought”. It’s been powerful for me to see that this is ME and not an external character….I am a mentor to so many so of course my inner mentor is key to deepening my eating peace process. It’s so clear now. I feel an indescribable peace.” ~ Participant 2017-2018 
Much love,
Grace
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Is there any joy possible in this complaint-worthy moment? (+ Breitenbush in a month!)

I am sooooo excited today to learn that the Breitenbush Winter Retreat in The Work of Byron Katie is filling up beautifully. We have plenty of folks registered.

That’s not always the case. Last year the winter retreat got switched from Breitenbush to my house in Seattle with seven people attending.

What?!

But it’s not always an easy time of year to travel, and the resort is deep in the woods of the Oregon Cascades. One has to fly to Portland, then rent a car. It will take us six hours to drive there from Seattle. There’s no cell phone service, nor internet.

Perfect.

My husband Jon will be accompanying me. We made a little introductory video we shared on facebook. Sending it to you now with our joyful invitation to you to join us in this somewhat odd time (is it true?) for retreat, December 6-9.

And, there will be dancing on Saturday night.

See our video share here.

Sometimes, I’m so happy an event with The Work is on the horizon, my hands are clapping.

I forget, there’s also a part of the mind that’s so full of moaning and groaning, wailing and lamenting that says “Do I have to? I don’t wanna! Waaaaaah!”

That voice or resistant part of mind will complain about anything, even doing The Work. Even having such an amazing job as doing The Work.

It loves to complain.

Which happens to be our third month topic in Year of Inquiry: complaining.

I love looking up words, and their etymology.

Com is Latin for bringing together, merging, intensifying, pressing together. It shows up in the beginning of so many words, to emphasize the intensity of whatever follows.

And then “plaint” meant to beat one’s chest. Grieve, moan, bewail.

It’s quite dramatic, and yet we refer to complaints often as things we shouldn’t bother bringing up. Irritants. Unimportant. Unaccepting.

“Stop complaining about the weather!” we might say. As if there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, so stop. Pull it together and try to enjoy yourself for a change!

At least, this is what I discovered when I realized my complaints were most of all about……complainers.

Yup.

They’re so negative. Why don’t they stop?

I couldn’t see the plank (or is that “plaint”) in my own eye.

So here’s an exercise we all did in Year of Inquiry that you might find very helpful if you find yourself complaining, whether inside your own head or verbally speaking it to others:

What’s wrong with this thing you’re complaining about, for real? What don’t you like about it? What bothers you? What’s the very absolute worst that could happen if it never stops?

Traffic, lateness, time, work, money, weather, procrastination, mess, family, dirty dishes, tone of voice, inefficiency, taxes.

What’s one of your most common, persistent complaints?

The thing I love about The Work, and looking directly at this “problem” we perceive in reality, is instead of brushing it aside and trying to ignore it, we’re treating this complaint with some respect.

We’re turning towards it, to understand this predicament better.

As I looked at my old co-worker (the one I thought was the star complainer) I could see that as she spoke I became worried too. Her complaining was so discouraging.

I was upset about all the things she mentioned: her neighbor, her car, her health, the environment, her upbringing, poverty, this organization we worked for, mean people, liars, eating troubles.

It was like a big balloon within me let all the air out and I felt defeated, and unable to solve any of the terrible problems she shared. Sad, sad, sad. Bringing me down.

Bewailing! Groaning!

Underneath my belief she shouldn’t keep complaining all the time, was another more serious story to question: Reality is tough, life is hard, bad things happen, the world is harsh, people suffer terribly, you have to watch out.

Ah, but can I absolutely know that it’s true?

If I think these fearful thoughts, if I notice I keep saying the same upsetting comment to myself, if I keep feeling bothered by some life activity or a person I encounter….

….then the moment is worthy of inquiry. I want to investigate.

Is it really as bad as I think?

“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie

That joy is in everyone, always?

Really? Hmmm.

But let’s see: the moment you’ve been complaining about, you know, that one?

There is no joy anywhere to be found in that moment, anywhere. It doesn’t exist. It’s not possible. No Joy. Ever.

Can you absolutely know that’s true?

Are you sure your perspective is the ONLY perspective in this complaint-worthy moment?

Are there other things in the environment, like a relaxed rug, a comfy chair, a quiet soft sofa? Is there oxygen dancing everywhere? Is there a pillow, a book, a happy mug of hot tea? Is there a desk ready to serve 24/7, a bright computer, a smooth cool notebook?

Are you sure every story is sad in this moment? Or is it just a thought?

Much love,
Grace

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The Work is meditation. It’s about awareness. It’s not about trying to change your mind.

Starting today, The Work daily on facebook live. We can do this, together.

True Confessions: I have so many ideas and offerings for eating peace, and studying the way compulsive behavior occurs (and how to dissolve it)….

….it may seem like an information overload data dump of invitations from me to come do The Work on eating, food or body image. Webinar, class, another webinar, facebook, youtube video, eating peace note, webinar again, in-person workshop, facebook live.

What is going on? So much!!

Maybe like a binge. Heh heh.

See how I am? Some things never change (haha, I question that).

I jest, but I appreciate those of you who have asked “what are you offering, and when are you offering it, and what venue and where, because I’m confused!!”

So if you were confused by webinars, facebook thingies, videos, needing to opt-in or wondering where you’re supposed to go to find out more about Eating Peace in any form, then you really are not alone.

There are two things:
1) Breaking The Spell of Eating Battles webinar
2) Facebook LIVE daily Mindful Inquiry for Eating Troubles

TODAY November 4th, if when the one-week mindful inquiry course begins: The Daily Practice of Eating Peace. We’re going to question our thinking.

This course will happen inside facebook in the eating peace facebook private group, with a live video each day. You can come live so I can interact with you and your comments and participation OR you can watch the recording later–it will be saved immediately and stay right there in the facebook group.

I’ll offer one thought every day I have found exceptionally useful to question if you want to stop over-doing eating or dieting or anything compulsive. We’ll inquire together Nov 4th-10th.

Our focus is on compulsion around eating, weight, body image and food, because that was my thing. And it felt horrible.

To join in this daily facebook live deal, simply request membership in the group here. No opt-in with emails required.

So the second offering I’ve been yakkety-yakking about for weeks is a 90 minute webinar called Breaking The Spell of Eating Battles. I’ve held it twice so far.

I’ll offer it one more time live on November 11th, but if all you want to do is WATCH the thing right NOW….please enjoy it right here. If you click that link, you’ll get taken to the recording. Yes, I had so many requests and I truly hope it serves.

Phew. I hope that was a bit easier?

If you feel like letting me know what the webinar is like for you, or you have questions or feedback, I’d love to hear from you. Write to me by hitting reply to this note, or emailing grace@workwithgrace.com.

Hopefully, these two Eating Peace offerings I’ve just mentioned are more understandable now, and it will be easier to “consume” them (and not overdo it).

Keeping it simple is such a beautiful thing. The mind loves complication and finding the right answer, doesn’t it? Or the right diet or way to live with eating and food and exercise. Mind will say there’s a right way, and it’s not here (sad day).

The calmest way I know, is to question anything that feels positively absolutely permanently “right” or “wrong” and notice what’s here now, in this present moment, with awareness and patience and compassion.

Which brings me to sharing with you something that came out of one other third in-person thing I did in Seattle. OK! It’s a lot! I know!

During the presentation and workshop, I summarized three beliefs to question if you’ve experienced compulsion in your life and wondered how to stop doing the thing(s) you do that don’t serve.

They’re broad areas, but amazing questions and beliefs to bring to the four questions and turnarounds. So I’m sharing them with you here:

What to do now?

Get out your notebook, or find a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and begin to identify just one thought at a time that runs through your mind, that when you think it, you hurt. It feels bad. You feels stressed. You eat. You obsess about Not Eating. You think about food and diets.

Then, start contemplating that thought using The Work.

“Take each judgment separately through the inquiry process. The Work is meditation. It’s about awareness; it’s not about trying to change your mind. Let the mind ask the questions, then contemplate. Take your time, go inside, and wait for the deeper answers to surface.” ~ Byron Katie on her basic “how to do The Work” instructions.

Much love,
Grace

P.S.
Registration is excitingly underway for Eating Peace Process which begins November 13th. Awesome beautiful inquirers are joining, including those who are repeating from previous years. Read about it here.

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The good news about the rain and watching “nothing” happen and all plans blown away

Yesterday and the day before, it rained so hard the drops looked like streaks of light, with a flurry of churning foam swirling where it hit hard pavement.

A puddle formed so huge next to my car, I had to climb into the driver’s seat from the passenger side. At night, the inch of open window letting in fresh air to the bedroom was blasting a cool breeze the room like a fan.

Then in the morning, when everything seemed calm, dark and quiet, with what appeared to be a soft steady rain….

….moments before First Friday call was cued, ready to press “go” for all the inquirers coming to do The Work for 90 minutes together on our open online inquiry session….

….thunk.

You could literally hear a thunk coming from somewhere in the atmosphere, and all the lights went out.

Power outage.

It was dawn-ish dark. An autumn morning, the day before the time change in the US, with light barely in the sky at 7:30 am.

I lit candles and pondered what to do, knowing people were dialing in to do The Work in moments.

I could quick put on clothes, take my lap top, and try to find public internet as close by as possible? I’ve done this before. I’ve held teleclasses in hotel parking lots, hospital lobbies, my car, or outside the Starbucks. The trouble with my options was that it was raining, and rush hour. So I’d need to bundle up and find someplace covered, and reasonably quiet.

I still would likely be late to my own call, and everyone would have hung up by the time I connected. IF I even got connected.

So if it was a national emergency, believe me….I would have been driving somewhere in my slippers trying to find a connection so we could all do The Work together.

But it was not an emergency.

What a funny day, of unexpected plans and changes.

After awhile, I packed up my gym bag with a change of clothes and towel so I could go shower there, and I stopped at the Starbucks for a coffee which was full of happy people talking, waiting, standing in line (and bright lights)! At the gym they had lights, but no working internet there, either.

I answered a few emails using my phone, especially all the emails where someone wrote “am I doing something wrong?” about the call!

Then, reading at the library that the electricity probably wouldn’t be restored in my area for at least a few hours, I began to drive north to meet my son who had texted me the night before, in the middle of the stormiest part of the evening when the wind had been churned up.

He had said he was coming for a meeting to the city north of me called Everett. “I’ll let you know tomorrow where we can meet for lunch, mom!”

I hadn’t heard from him yet on this strangely quiet morning, which was now almost afternoon. I sent out a text letting him know we had no power, so I’m going ahead and hitting the road to the north and moseying up towards the city he was in.

No response.

I remembered as I drove, this was an area where a specialty dance store lives. I used to drive all the way out here to buy my daughter special tap shoes or leotards. Why not stop and see if they have some comfy dance pants or sweats I’ve been needing for awhile?

Success.

But still no text from my son.

I wound up driving to the bus station where my daughter would be arriving in another 90 minutes, to wait. I got myself a cup of tea and sat in my car, staring out the window. And thinking about what an odd day it was of non-doing or random floaty-type doing because I’m waiting and I have the time. Which is rare.

My son’s phone, it turned out, had died….(there seems to be a theme). He had no charger so he had driven all the way to our house only to find a dark cottage without electricity, so he went to the same Starbucks I had been to earlier, borrowing my charger–at which point he was able to text me.

My daughter arrived on the bus, jumped in my car, and we drove home. Still no electrical power. No hot water. No heat. No lights. No battery charging.

We all went to a movie together for the 4 o’clock matinee. That never happens.

I joked a few times that I would need to do The Work on disappointing the First Friday participants and being a flake, or not getting much done for a Friday when I always work on my business.

But it does seem like things just moved as they did and I followed along. There were moments of thinking, and noticing the idea it was “sad” to not accomplish anything today.

I also noticed “anxiousness” when remembering Sunday (that’s tomorrow!) I’m starting a free, open facebook live 7 day course on eating peace and believing I should be preparing more for it. By the way, no opt-in required, all you need to do is request membership in the private eating peace facebook group and all the daily live videos will happen there.

Also in my wanderings and waitings of the day away from home, “grief” came through from the beautiful and very bittersweet visit I was still digesting after visiting my dear friend Carl’s gravesite. I was there just 2 days ago on Dia De Los Muertos, November 1st.

And then, surprisingly at the end of that day, I watched the computer open, the lights on, and tap tapping of fingers sharing with you my day, in all its unexpected and fascinating strangeness.

So, we’ll have a new inquiry jam session: First Monday, November 5th 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific Time. A day and time that’s completely different, I know. Next month in December it will be First Friday again at 7:45 am PT.

This is a time to dial in for open inquiry doing The Work from start to finish. Simply connect here a few minutes before we start. No experience or prep necessary, just come and question a stressful thought or two, listen, share if you want. A time for undoing thinking, and being.

Who would I be without my thoughts about how a day is supposed to go? Or what should not happen? Or what should?

Wow. Jeez. I might notice I’ve been wanting to go even slower. I’ve been meditating just a bit longer when I do meditate. I’ve been interested in turning to quiet, simple, non-working space. Even fewer plans than ever.

Noticing the friendliness of this past day, reality, and how very supportive it is. Even without lights.

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. ~ Langston Hughes

What’s raining in your life? Maybe it can beat upon your head with silver drops, or a kiss.
It doesn’t mean you have to like it, but is there anything interesting about it? Anything remotely good? Anything helpful?
Find your turnarounds. They could be a soothing lullaby. You never know.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. I received quite a few requests for the recording of the eating peace webinar I recently offered for the first time. If you want to address any compulsion, not just eating, maybe it will help (I’d love your feedback). I was so plagued by compulsion, in many ways more than eating, it means so much to share in community the healing around compulsive behavior of any kind. You can watch it here.