This past Saturday, even though I returned from retreat with Adyashanti the night before, I had a mini retreat at my cottage.
I had thoughts like “I can’t believe I scheduled this retreat the same weekend I returned home” or “I want to take a nap, not teach a retreat” when glancing at the clock knowing people would be coming in an hour….
….but I had such a deep feeling of joy about the full afternoon before me, even with unwashed laundry and emails to answer.
A full schedule wasn’t always like this for me.
The process of change when it came to what I “have to do” in my day-to-day life all started almost a decade ago.
Because I had lost all my resources for income, had not worked full time in a decade, was terrified and had horrible self-confidence about doing something profitable in the world….
….about eight years ago I found myself on the brink of foreclosure, losing my home, divorced, unemployed, no savings, no retirement, and feeling very unemployable.
But I knew how to do The Work.
So I started on the most frightening, freaked-out thoughts I had about feeling supported on planet earth, and what it would be like to not have enough to survive.
After some time of looking, calming down, looking again, calming down more, looking in yet deeper ways, calming down again, looking….
….I found myself in new territory with my thinking.
The stressful thoughts I peeled back to were about what the “best” experiences were during a human lifetime.
Travel, luxury, creativity, no one telling me what to do, invention, being in the spotlight, visions or experiences that make your jaw drop, seeing the wonders of the world, having lots of money to take care of everything.
Right?
Isn’t that a great life?
Well, nothing wrong with any of those.
Except.
If your life does NOT look like that, in your opinion, and by comparison you’re falling short of the ideal and you feel unsatisfiedin a bad way.
Is there a GOOD way to be unsatisfied, you ask?
Yes!
Unsatisfied in a good way is like when you’re stomach-growling hungry after a fantastic all-day hike in the mountains in summer and you sit down to a huge feast near a campfire and have the best time ever eating the yummy food with all your friends.
That kind of unsatisfied when you’re racing down the last leg of the trail, knowing you’ll be satisfied in a few more hours, is exquisite. No fear. Joyfully feeling the empty space, awaiting without feeling desperate for the fullness to come.
So what if your life routine, and the way you think about how money would support that, became unsatisfied in a good way too?
I wrote down my thoughts about schedules, jobs, the people I worked with, bosses, corporations, institutions, money, earning, laboring, working, receiving, creating (or not creating), taxes, bills, and all the stuff I thought I “had” to do that was soooooo unsatisfying and stupid.
So much WORK! Arggghhhh!!
But I imagined who I would be without these thoughts?
Who would I be without a story of being forced to work, earn, labor, repeat, with no satisfaction in sight?
What if I lived the very day I was living, with the amount of money I had, with adding a dash of looking forward and expecting to be satisfied?
What if right in that moment, it was quite beautiful the way it was?
What if I found examples of how I had enough, did enough, enjoyed what I actually did, and didn’t mind anything that appeared on my schedule?
One day I was at my part-time job that I had resented being forced to get, and I remembered to look around for examples of what I loved about it.
OK, maybe I would find what I liked about it, if I couldn’t find LOVE.
I had to run over to another building to attend a meeting that I had been to quite often as a part of my work duties, and as I walked along the sidewalk I looked up and around, noticing my environment.
As I walked past a small kind of water-art simple structure near the entrance to this office building, something caught my eye in this water display I had passed many times.
Far to the left side, where water poured from an upper square stone structure into a thin water channel making a pretty water sound, I saw in big silver letters GRACE FOUNTAIN.
What?
This water display is called Grace Fountain?
How did I not ever see that before?
Seriously?
I don’t know if there’s any “the” moment something shifted around having a job and “having” to work….
….but I know I made more and more and more discoveries of what I liked about that part time job, even if it was a tiny as I like the color of the tea cups in the cafeteria.
And all the while my income grew and grew and grew from my own business until I quit that little part time job.
I started to realize I *loved* working and being with others. I loved having a full schedule. I loved going to retreats.
Even if the old thoughts would come in, like they did recently before the mini retreat, I just chuckled knowing it was going to be awesome having everyone come over.
And it was the most brilliant and wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon, just incredible.
“Dying to all you think you know. Letting go of the image of how life should be. Sinking into the vast mystery of the present moment. Embracing change and loss as misunderstood friends. Falling in love with where you are. This is the path for those who know there is no path. Only endless destinations and never-ending beginnings.” ~ Jeff Foster
If you’re wanting to do exercises that help clarify your thoughts about work and money and business, and find freedom when they’re stressful, I’m offering the Money 8 session teleclass starting January 6th. Check HERE for more information or to sign up.
Much love, Grace
P.S. Tomorrow I’ll share what I asked Adya at the retreat for those of you who have been so dear to ask me, and what he answered.