Afraid of being afraid, so we did The Work

Have you had the feeling sometimes that The Work just doesn’t work for you?

It’s too “in the head”, or you’re doing a worksheet on the same person over and over again without much shifting, or you don’t really get what the benefit of raking through the scariest things in your life can really do for you….

Sigh.

I’ve had some objections to the results of The Work or the idea of doing The Work.

And then I would hear other people share some of the same objections or reasons The Work wasn’t working for them.

Several years ago in Year of Inquiry, after six months of already being underway and everyone practicing The Work together, one of the members reached out to me.

“I suddenly realized, doing The Work might not be such a good idea. I think I should stop doing it. It seems unsafe to not have any stressful thoughts. I wish I had known this before I started in the fall.”

Of course we had a conversation and investigated the thinking behind this, gently, openly. Everyone is free and can move where they need to, no one has to do anything, and it was helpful to talk it through.

She was feeling like the solid ground of her beliefs she had always thought of as true about life, the world, relationships were eroding. She didn’t like the sense of uncertainty.

I was fascinated!

I could even relate.

Feeling fear is one of my own most uncomfortable experiences.

Who wants to be afraid?

Not me, no thank you.

I don’t like scary movies, Stephen King novels, or amusement park rides that flip you around all over. I also used to not like speaking in front of people, or talking to people much at all (very shy).

Except.

When I have this kind of orientation to experiencing a feeling, even the terrible feeling of fear….

….I am living my life carefully, cautiously. Anxiously.

I’m moving into places I feel safe in, and avoiding other places that make me nervous.

I’m believing those uncomfortable places are the things that are making me nervous, not my beliefs or perspective.

I’m sure I’m safe because I know where Not to go.

It feels like a constrained way to live. Like narrowing down my world into something bite-sized and manageable, not to new and crazy.

I realized along the way….the way out of this constraint is to question my beliefs.

In any situation, I can identify what frightens me about it, if I feel stressed, and then question that.

If I feel afraid, I know it’s an alarm clock going off, a moment to pause, watch, listen, open up.

It’s not comfortable to feel fear, but it happens. It’s a message. It has a role. It says “wait, listen, take a second look, watch”.

Instead of being afraid of feeling fear, or so focused on managing my life so it’s safe and comfortable, I could question the belief “feeling fear is bad”.

True?

No.

Feeling anything isn’t bad or wrong. Anger, resentment, disappointment, anxiety, sadness. These are feelings in the human condition. They happen.

Who would I be without my story that feeling fear is bad, and should be avoided?

Open to the risk of feeling fear.

Stepping out in the world to take it all in. Doing new things, going unusual places (if that seems right), talking to people all the time at a deep intimate level, wondering about the view I have of anything.

Questioning my fear doesn’t mean I jump off the roof, because I’m not afraid of falling. I’m aware the law of gravity appears to exist. I’m aware of the results and I don’t need to test them.

Who would I be without my story that I need to keep my stories so I don’t get into further danger that could be worse?

LOL.

Trusting. Being. Noticing the Great Unknown. Aware I really don’t get what’s going on here, but it’s all quite astonishing and amazing, and brilliant.

The second barrier I share in the Ten Barriers That Derail The Work workshop, is having Fear of Fear. That sudden feeling that I need to stop questioning something because it means….something dangerous, something worse.

The belief that I need to know, I need to hold onto my thinking, I need to grasp at the truth, I feel afraid of not knowing what’s true….so I’m going to stop inquiry.

I loved sharing the webinar yesterday with all those who attended. I’ll be offering it again tomorrow morning Thursday, August 21st at 9:00 am Pacific Time. Join me here.

At the end I share the outline of what we do in Year of Inquiry, a year long practice of The Work, and a wonderful program.

What makes the program so wonderful for me is we’re a group of kind, loving people sharing their honest fears about what’s happened in their lives, and then answering four questions about these moments.

What I’ve found is that nothing terrifying can really happen when we answer four questions and find turnarounds. It’s simply an experiment in looking at what we’ve experienced from every angle.

We’re studying our minds, our behaviors, other people, how we’ve seen the world when it hurts. We’re exposing our fears, and asking “is it true?”

I have so far found it very safe to do this.

“Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories….Who would you be without your identity?” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

I’m enjoying finding out. At least most of the time.

Looking forward to sharing Ten Barriers again tomorrow and two more final times next week before Year of Inquiry begins in September.

Much love,